Avoiding Bloody Situations

July 25, 2008 at 2:43 am (blogging, myself & I, rambling, real life, story telling, worries/concerns) ()

My appointment yesterday with the hematology department at the hospital went well. They didn’t even have to prick me! Basically, they just asked me a bunch of questions and introduced themselves, since they would be administering the medicine that I take before each and every surgery to avoid bleeding issues. My first ever surgery didn’t go as my doctors had anticipated, and I started bleeding from the bone of the surgery site. They had to cut me open again to drain the bleeding, and before I was able to go home they had to stitch me back up.

They never could find a reason for my bones bleeding. Numerous tests showed that I didn’t have any of the major common bleeding disorders, so they assumed it was a result of my MHE and as a precaution I would be administered DDAVP before each surgery to avoid “bloody situations”.

My new “blood team” suggested I take a trip to another town and hospital for them to do a bunch of other tests to see if they can actually diagnose my bleeding problem – which, as of right now, is referred to as my bleeding problem. The head of the hematology department said that she would probably find what causes my bleeding problem because they actually have a very good, huge blood lab. So I’m thinking I might do that, just because it would probably be a good thing to know. Or interesting to find out, at least.

After we met with the “blood team”, we headed over to my hospital (which is actually across the street) to see if we could meet with my doctor (whom we shall refer to as Dr. Wonder), or at least his secretary. But I guess that his secretary was out for lunch or something. In any case, I didn’t get to meet with him – or anybody really. We had my handicapped parking forms with us so he could fill out the information to renew it since it expires on the 31st, but I guess I have to wait for my surgery for that.

It sort of frustrates me that I’ve yet to actually meet with Dr. Wonder about this whole surgery business. I mean, I met him once. I’ve spoken with him once. The appointment I had a couple months ago was with one of his teammates. I was sort of put out that Dr. Wonder didn’t even come in to talk to me about the surgery, since, well, he’s going to be the one operating on me. Did I mention it’s my first surgery with this hospital and with this team? Excuse me if I’m feeling a tad bit nervous about it, and truthfully I’m missing my childhood team. Course they’ve been with me from the get go and my old doctors bedside manor was beyond amazing, he was definitely a rare doctor.

I don’t yet have an opinion about Dr. Wonder. I mean I hear he’s the best in the area, and my old doctor really wouldn’t have referred me to anyone less than that…but it would be nice to have an actual conversation with the guy before I go under the knife, ya know? And I was really hoping I could talk to him about adding that one bone growth on my left hip into the mix…

Today I actually went to get an ultrasound and x-ray of that bone growth. I was hoping that if I could get the ball rolling, Dr. Wonder might be able to add that to the surgery list after seeing the results [if it causes alarm that is]. But actually, this is one of the more painful bone growths at this time (along with the ankle bone growth they are already planning on removing). I guess it’s just causing me a lot of pain because it’s in the most inconvenient of places and it makes sitting and laying down on my left side and back more difficult, uncomfortable, and painful than it should be.

I’ll try calling the office on Monday again.

“Authors” Note: I apologize for not giving out much information and therefore making this post sound a little bit on the boring side but I’m not comfortable with giving out location/name information. I hope you all understand!

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Back to Square One

June 5, 2008 at 3:08 am (blogging, myself & I, rambling, real life, reflecting, worries/concerns)

Now originally I had a lot to discuss in this post, however this page has literally taken 10 minutes to load and my back is already killing me. I don’t think I can make it as long as I had intended to, so we have dialup to thank for that! One day I will get high speed, one day. I don’t understand why they don’t just make high speed for rural areas in Canada. I know Bell has it available for the States. How hard is it to make it available for rural areas in Canada if it’s already available in the rural areas of the States?

Anyways, I’m rambling. I tend to do that when I’m sore…so yes, I ramble a lot. But anywho, I’m back to square one with the whole educational pursuit. Originally I had accepted the offer into the local community college for the Child and Youth Worker program. However I recently realized that although I would make a good, attentive Child and Youth Worker, I don’t have that mental strength that is required when being a Child and Youth Worker to put a line between work and home. When working with troubled children and youth, there is a risk that you might not always be able to help someone. Or their cases and situations are far too horrible. I definitely am not the kind of person who can leave that sort of thing in the office, I would surely bring everything home with me and that would definitely reek havoc on my family life and even mental health.

So now what? Well I’ve always wanted to do Journalism. It’s no surprise that I’m deeply passionate about writing (or at least I hope it’s no surprise!) and everything about the Journalism program appealed to me. Everything. There wasn’t one thing that I didn’t like! My dream job has always been to be a well known and well published writer, and I have several plot books and started novels to prove it!

Unfortunately, Journalism is now wait-listed. I’m now on the wait-list, and the Admissions Officer assured me that it had only recently been wait-listed, which means that there should only be a small handful of people on the list.

If I don’t get in to Journalism in September, then I do have a backup. I’ve applied for the February start of Office Administration, the same course that my sister Kate took. That job definitely leads to other branches that I could go in to, and there is money there. Although it wouldn’t be the job of my dreams it would still be something I wouldn’t despise doing.

So now all I can do is wait, and kick myself for being so indecisive and not knowing what I want and who I was earlier. I could have already accepted the Journalism offer and not be on the wait-list. Now I just have to wait and see, and keep my fingers crossed.

I’m still jobless; and haven’t even gotten a call back for any of the resumes I sent out 😦 it definitely kicks ya in the ego. I used to think I had an impressive resume! Now I guess it turns out I don’t really 😦

And in unrelated news, Matt’s birthday was yesterday and he said he had a blast. His mom took us both out for lunch at Kelsey’s, and it was pretty good. He loved his shoes that I bought him (and refuses them to wear them since they have more white than his last pair) and the little birthday dinner/cake party we throw for him also made his day. He got two cakes!! Yum. Lucky boy! Now my birthday is next; 11 more days! Then I will be 19! I’m looking forward to that, and to my weekend in London with my cousins and Matt. That should be fun too!

Unfortunately my back is aching something fierce so I’m going to go to bed early tonight since I left the really awesome back stuff Gordon gave me at Matt’s house 😦 I wanted Matt and Colleen to try it, because it definitely helped my muscles relax. I forget what it’s called; it’s sort of like Rub A535, but better…way better.

Hopefully the back pain medication my mom found will work tonight so I can get some sleep!

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On The Hunt – Again

June 3, 2008 at 4:31 am (blogging, myself & I, opinions, rambling, real life, reflecting, worries/concerns)

So during my last post – X-Rays and E-mails – I meant to talk about my doctors appointment and a really nice email I had received about my blog, however I got distracted by visitors and forget to mention the really nice email that really did make my day! In this email, I was told that my blog was very informative and that the person learned a lot about MHE just by reading it (among other things). This honestly perked me up a lot. It’s no secret that I haven’t exactly been feeling 100% myself. It surprised me just how much words like that could bring up my spirit. I tend to look at my own blog a wee bit more critically than I should, but its nice to know that I’m helping educate people 🙂

Today is my boyfriend’s birthday, so I’ll be busy all day hanging out with him. I’m going to cook him dinner and bake him a cake. I’m hoping to make his birthday special because his past birthday’s haven’t exactly been special. So today it will be all about him 🙂

My doctors office called me today with the appointment for the pre-op stuff. I have to fill out a bunch of forms and meet with the anesthesiologist. Matt is planning on coming with me. It’s very important to me that whoever I’m with isn’t terrified or intimidated by doctors appointments, and Matt definitely isn’t. He’s definitely a keeper; you can tell by the way he wants to know what we’re up against. Not to mention, in times of crisis he doesn’t run away. He’s there for me, giving the comfort of hugs and wise words. He’s also there for my family, which I have never seen in a guy I’ve dated before. Anyways, that doctors appointment is going to take place on June 16th – the day after my birthday. I guess I won’t be enjoying turning 19 on Sunday night. Heh. Oh well, I have the rest of my life to go to bars!

I also have to really get started on job hunting. I put in an application to a local retail store at the pathetically small mall in town, but haven’t heard back from them yet. Granted, I handed in my resume on the Friday. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I get the job. I really need the money. Too bad now a days all the desk jobs require a degree of some sort of administrative program in college 😦 this makes getting a job very difficult!

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X-Rays and E-mails

May 31, 2008 at 5:32 pm (blogging, myself & I, rambling, real life, worries/concerns)

I meant to update sooner then today, but I got caught up in some family matters and I actually was working for a few days. I had a 4 day job shakeboard dancing for a pizza place (shakeboard dancing is holding a promotional sign and dancing around), only by the end of the 2nd shift my back and legs were killing me. You’re supposed to dance the entire time…4 hours of dancing and holding a huge sign are not easy. I thought it would be…and the idea of making 14 bucks an hour was certainly appealing but I’m paying for it now. My friend had to take over for me…which sucks. I’m sort of bummed out that I couldn’t even do a four day job.

Anyways, now for the hospital visit update. I went on Tuesday with my mom and Matt…my boyfriend, who wanted to go. I expressed my concern for my ankles and hips, and the doctor sent me for x-rays. Apparently, I’ve been having such problems with my hips because there are several bone growths that act like stoppers and prevent my hips from being as flexible as most people’s hips are. Unfortunately, they can’t do anything about that because if they shave down the bone growths it will make both my hips weak and cause them to break.

My ankles have the same issue as well. They keep locking up because the inside bone of my legs (I forget the medical term; I’m sorry guys…I probably couldn’t spell it anyway) is shorter then the outside bone of my leg and the tumours around my ankles also act as stoppers. I guess that while although these things cause pain, they also support my joints because my ligaments are loose and stretchy.

However, I will be having a surgery at some point this summer. The bone tumour on my ankle that is growing more than any of the other bumps on my body is a cause for concern; and it might help the locking issue if it’s removed. It is safe for the doctors to remove that one. I’m also getting a small tumour removed from my left middle finger; so it’s just a minor surgery that’s only supposed to last about an hour and a half (if all goes well).

So that’s the doctors appointment in T.O. Monday I might have to go to the emergency room if this pain doesn’t let up and get my back x-rayed to see if I really did do something to the discs…since I never did that after the back injury I received last fall.

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Lost Beauty

May 13, 2008 at 3:35 pm (bad things, blogging, myself & I, rambling, real life, story telling, the past, worries/concerns)

A single rose, wilting with death,
Once was beautiful,
With bright red petals, standing tall for all to see.
Now it wilts, the life gone, the beauty gone.
No one stops to admire the rose now,
No one wants to give it to their loved one now.
It’s an ugly dead thing, to be thrown out.
It has no significant value anymore.
One looking at it now would not have known,
That once, this rose caught the attention of many.
This symbol of love, the chosen flower of Valentine’s Day,
Now rotting away slowly in it’s vase.

I wrote this poem December 8th, 2004 for a school project – that’s like 4 years ago. I know it’s not very good or anything, but I like it. I’ve never really been a poet, any poems that I have written over the past years have either been for school or to help me over come things. I can’t find any of my other poems I’ve written, and I only found this one because I was cleaning my room and found the assignment it was for. For some reason, I kept this grade 10 assignment around and finding it today, I thought it would be interesting to share.

Only a couple more weeks to my [somewhat dreaded] doctor’s appointment. In the mean time I’m still job hunting and now I’m in the process of getting a car (and finishing my drivers ed in cars). The recreation group has unfortunately screwed me over, or rather G.A – the old Program Director – has after leaving suddenly and basically telling me to “stop talking to him” when I sent him an email asking what was going on. See I thought we were friends, so I was worried about one of my friends when they abruptly left their job at a critical time. Whatever though. Unfortunately this means that I now don’t have any letters of recommendation, and I also have to re-do the summer student interview. So a new job I am searching for! It’ll probably end up being a crappy fast food, retail or other such costumer service job…not at all what I wanted to do this summer, but I’ll take the paychecks.

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Another Chance

April 23, 2008 at 4:19 am (blogging, myself & I, rambling, real life, reflecting, worries/concerns)

I finally called my new doctor and booked an appointment for May 27th. I figured since he hadn’t made the initiative to set up another checkup appointment when I saw him for the first time in August last year, I might as well do it. He had probably long ago forgotten about me.

With MHE, it’s important to keep having yearly check ups to keep an eye on everything since sometimes the tumors can become cancerous, which is why even after you have finished growing your doctors want you to continue to have yearly checkups.

I have a list of demands to be meet this time around, and hopefully I’ll be able to get something out of this new doctor…since when I met him last year he seemed very nonchalant. Anyways, here goes the list:

  • I want to get my hips checked out since they keep locking/poping/dislocating or something, and it’s quite painful. I want to see if the joints are wearing out or something, and if there is anything to do to prevent that from happening.
  • I want him to check out my ankles; as they too lock up a lot and I’m worried they might be starting to fuse.
  • I want to discuss possibly resetting my ankles. They aren’t in alignment with my knees and I once had an OT warn me that if I didn’t get that fixed, my feet and ankles would collapse. That doesn’t sound like fun to me.

The reason why I usually hold back on talking to anybody about my aches and pains really is because I don’t want to sound like a complainer, because that’s not what I’m intending to do. But I am starting to realize that the longer I keep quiet about things, the worse it ends up being for me in the end…like in grade 8 when I didn’t tell anybody about the tumor in my right leg that was causing me a lot of pain. It ended up cutting off the nerves and I almost loss the use of that leg. Things like that happen to me with silence, so I don’t want to be quiet anymore.

I’ve had some doctors act as if when I told them what wasn’t right that I was simply complaining, so next time this happens I will tell them off. Not rudely or anything, but firmly…should it not be my right to get the medical attention I feel I need in order to make things easier? I think that if my ankles and hips were all fixed, I’d enjoy walking more. I could get more active…maybe start horse back riding or hiking or something.

I want to be more active. I’m sick of discreetly babying myself by hiding behind the “I’m too lazy to go with you guys for that walk” excuse when really I just know that I’ll end up paying for it later. I’m not a lazy person, I just don’t have the energy to deal with more pain that a simple 15 minute walk can bring.

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It’s Been a While

April 15, 2008 at 6:42 pm (blogging, myself & I, rambling, real life, reflecting, story telling, worries/concerns)

I know, I know…I’ve been missing in action for another month. I apologize for that, I just got caught up in life and attempted to hang out more with the people in my life instead of hiding out back home. WordPress has been insanely slow too, so whenever I have a quick minute to update, I end up not being able to because the pages take so long to loud. Luckily today, I’m not doing anything until 6pm (I finally start Drivers Ed today!).

So a whole whack load of stuff has happened since I last updated. My oldest sister, Shannon, got married this Saturday. The wedding ceremony was beautiful. She looked absolutely stunning in her wedding gown; all the little girls were convinced she was a fairy princess!

I had a lot of fun being a bridesmaid, although my heels did kill my feet within 20 minutes of putting them on. Such is life though, heels kill everyone’s feet, just mine more so. Matt helped film the wedding, and got hilarious footage of one of my dad’s friends, Brian, and I swing dancing. Brian is a pretty big guy, so it really was hilarious to watch!

Anyways, it was an awesome, fun night. I’m still paying for it today though, and for Friday night’s affairs. All of the bridesmaids, my mom, and one of Shannon’s friends from England spent Friday night at Shannon’s. We made the seating arrangements for the reception and then goofed off. While bringing air mattresses downstairs for our sleepover party, we all thought it would be an awesome idea to go down the stairs on the air mattress. I went by myself, and being so light I caught a lot of air and landed hard on my tailbone. Now, sitting down, lying down, and walking kills. I think I may have bruised it or something, it’s definitely swollen. Well, that’s my own fault I suppose!

I called my doctor today, the new one. I didn’t get anybody, so I left a message asking to book a checkup appointment sometime in the near future. I left my name and number, and I’m hoping they’ll call me back. I still don’t know if I like this doctor. He was very nonchalant about every concern I had, and we waited such a long time just to have all my concerns and questions brushed away.

I’m going to give him one more chance though, and if I still dislike how he handles things (or rather, doesn’t handle things) then I am going to call my old doctor and see if he can get me in with someone better. I want a doctor who is going to actually take my concerns into consideration and DO something about my aches and pains, not brush off everything.

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The Future

February 3, 2008 at 3:23 am (blogging, myself & I, rambling, real life, resources, worries/concerns)

I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life, and which direction I wish to take it in. I would honestly love to work in the social services field, but I’m not entirely sure that I’m cut out for that. I have never been able to separate work from all the other little categories of my life; I tend to bring it home with me. That can be very damaging when you are working in the social services field. Being a Child and Youth worker takes a certain kind of person who not only wants to help and is good at it, but one that can also separate it from their lives and not constantly think about their cases. I’m good for the first two, but I have yet to master the skill of leaving stuff at the office.

So now I am rethinking my life – which I really should have done before going to college. I was so sure that was what I wanted. Now I’m afraid to make the same mistake; be so sure of something only to find out it wasn’t what I wanted or expected. I’m making each decision by heavily weighing the pros and cons – and I’ve yet to come up with any ideas.

My only talents really are writing and helping people. I have never been wonderful in the maths, and thanks to my lovely medical condition, I can’t do all those physically demanding jobs like being a doctor or nurse. A lot of people want to write books, and unfortunately not everybody is successful. As my mom has always said, it’s a rather unstable future.

Now I would like to help people, travel, and write (not necessarily in that order). I have always wanted to travel all over the world, and write about my adventures, and helping people has always been something I enjoy doing.

Here are some careers I’ve been reconsidering:

  1. Journalism: I could travel to exotic locations and do a write up about it. Or I could do write ups about local restaurants and stuff. Mmm…food tester!
  2. Photographer: Photography is always something that has interested me; and I could possibly travel with that too.
  3. Child and Youth Work: Despite me being unsure if I could handle the pressure, I would certainly still love to help children/youth or even adults.

My friend Matt told me about this program called Katimavik; basically it is a program that runs for 9 or 8 months and participants live in three regions of Canada and do volunteer work. It’s an amazing learning experience and sounds like an adventure; to both travel and help people…wow. And it could quite possibly give me time to decide what I want to do, since I’m really no closer to deciding what I want.

So I applied for an application, and I will be talking to my parents. I really don’t want to go to school for anything unless I am positive it is what I want.

I have a question for everyone: how did you choose the career path you’re on now? How do you know when it’s right?

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Regrets

January 28, 2008 at 3:33 pm (blogging, myself & I, opinions, rambling, real life, reflecting, these scars, worries/concerns)

When you have a chronic pain disorder you unfortunately tend to miss out on a lot. I was excused from Gym class at a very young age, so I never had to do the beep test or climb ropes (not that they climb ropes in Gym class – I wouldn’t know for sure, but I think that is only in movies). My parents also sheltered me from a lot of the more dangerous activities, such as ice skating (hockey was definitely out), horse back riding, water skiing, snowboarding and skiing, etc etc. The only sport I have ever really played was baseball, and even then I would get so tired and fed up with the fact that my energy was low and my legs were sore that I would sit down in the outfield and play in the sand.

Missing out on contact sports was all for a good reason though. My body isn’t built the same way that everyone else’s body is built. My knees and ankles aren’t in-line, and I do have like a kazillion more bones then most people and my doctors were never quite sure what a break would do to. They didn’t know how I would heal from it, and therefore they advised me to stay away from anything even remotely dangerous.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to go horse back riding. I wanted to take lessons and go to the week long camps they had for riders. A week of riding a horse on a trail sounded perfect to me. But horse back riding takes a lot of leg work that I just didn’t and don’t have. My parents were afraid that I would fall off and hurt myself, so I never did get to take those lessons.

I can remember clearly watching my older sisters learning how to water ski up at the cottage and feeling envious because I wasn’t aloud to try it. Even then, I knew that it wouldn’t exactly be the best idea. Sure, I could do it – I am completely aware that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to – but I would surely suffer and most definitely get hurt.

I was also envious when my sisters all went snowboarding and skiing together. It looked like such fun! I know that it is practically a death wish for me to attempt it, but I still always have wanted too.

As I think about all the stuff that I have held back on doing because of my MHE, I feel remorse and sadness. I’m worried that when I am an old lady I’ll look back and not reach integrity in the Integrity vs Despair stage of Erikson’s theory. I would like to try all those things, but I know that it isn’t safe for me to do so…I could very well end up in a wheelchair. That would seriously tick my sister Shannon off, who is getting married in April.

I am not angry about any of it, I’m just trying to figure out a way that I can get around the MHE and actually do these things safely without harming myself badly. If anybody has any ideas, then feel free to suggest them!

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Adjusting

January 11, 2008 at 8:08 pm (blogging, myself & I, opinions, rambling, real life, worries/concerns)

I realize that I have been abandoning this blog indirectly; and I am sorry. I definitely am going to make more time for it; as I should. Before I was really busy with work and school; and now that I’m living back at home with the dialup connection, my patience can only go so far.

What’s new with me? Well…everything and nothing at the same time. I woke up today feeling not so great – my legs are killing me. I wanted to go back to bed. Luckily, I didn’t have to be anywhere important.

In a matter of time though, I will be able to ignore the pain. When something is constant for me; I can adjust my pain tolerance levels, that way it doesn’t bother me as much. I don’t take any kinds of drugs for my pains because most of the over the counter stuff doesn’t work and I hate relying on heavier drugs to ease pain. I find adjusting to it is far better for me – mentally anyway. I suppose it isn’t always the best idea…back in grade eight I attempted to adjust to some serious pain in my leg. The tumour was cutting of the nerves in my legs, and because I waited so long to speak up about it I had lost a lot of movement in my legs. Luckily my nerves bounced back and I’m ok.

Other then winter aches and pains; nothing has really changed. I am not working or going to school at the moment; but I am looking for a job. I’m considering doing some online writing and making money that way for a bit. This way I can stay at home and relax.

I am thinking about contacting my doctor and seeing if I can book in a surgery. I have 5 months to kill, so why not have a surgery and have some of the problem spots taken care of while I wait? In May I’ll probably start working at the recreational group again, so I want to be in my best shape. I don’t want to spend the weekend in a tent in pain if I can avoid it.

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