What’s wrong with that girl’s arm?

January 14, 2008 at 8:36 pm (blogging, pictures & videos, rambling, real life, reflecting, story telling, these scars)

 

pffas.jpg

When you first saw this picture, what did you think? That the people in it are all having fun? Or do you zero in on one detail that isn’t exactly…normal? Did you focus on that girl’s arm and wonder what the hell happened to it? If so, why did you see that and only that?

That girl in the picture is me, this past weekend at my friends house. We were all having a blast and honestly I didn’t even feel uncomfortable wearing the tube top I was wearing. Then my friend put the pictures up on Facebook, and people I didn’t even know started commenting asking “what’s wrong with that girl’s arm?” as if it was the most important thing ever.

I’m sure these people meant no harm and they were simply curious, but sometimes curiousity can come off as rude and out of line. Leaving comments like that on a picture about someone will single them out and make them feel like a freak, like I feel right now. I’m just wondering why it’s so important…why whenever something isn’t normal about someone, everyone else rushes to point it out.

I’ve faced this kind of thing ever since I can remember; people asking what’s wrong with a certain part of my body that isn’t like them. Kids will be kids, I understand that, but I think by now people should know what tact is. One would think that young adults would think before they said something.

I honestly don’t think it’s anybody’s business why my arm is “different” and I find it rude when someone I don’t even know asks me whats wrong with me. I don’t mind when it’s a friend or someone well on the way to being a friend, but a complete stranger has no right to demand answers of me. My scars are an indepth story that I dislike talking about unless I know the person, it makes me uncomfortable. My medical history is not something I wish to talk about to complete strangers, and I hate feeling obligated to answer someone when they ask.

If I have kids, I’ll make sure to teach them that it’s rude to ask strangers personal questions – even if it’s about a scar they got. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not a conversation starter – it’s a conversation killer. It’s not a really good feeling when you dress up and do your hair and makeup and the first thing people notice about you is not that you look nice, but that your arm has a gigantic, ugly scar on it.

Advertisements

Permalink 6 Comments

Fresh like Spring

December 10, 2007 at 4:12 pm (blogging, myself & I, opinions, pictures & videos, rambling, real life)

Lately I have been so wrapped up in life and all of the going ons. Winter is always the hardest session on a person like me; and getting up in the morning is a struggle normally. It’s an extra struggle with the added emotional problems of loosing a friend and the other millions of things that have happened to me.

But I can honestly say now that I am no longer pining over my ex-boyfriend, Neil. In fact I am very much over him. I thank him for opening my eyes to the real person he was. Unfortunately; I only tend to see the good in people. This is bad for me because I often get hurt because I refuse to see the truth. The truth about Neil is that he was only concerned about himself. In the end, it was all about him and what he wanted and what made him happy.

I find it slightly amusing that I would think one moment to never get over him; that my life could not go on without him in it. But I was deeply surprised to find that my life did indeed go on. I started to smile more because I realized that I wasn’t happy with him anyway. When my sister, Shannon, told me that I was lucky that I would get to experience that “new relationship” feeling, I didn’t believe her. I didn’t think I could ever move on. But she was right, and move on I did.

My plan was to be single for a while…but that didn’t last. I didn’t indeed to start dating so quickly; I honestly did want to play the field for a bit and just focus on myself. Then I started talking to Blake. I went to high school with him, and he’s a pretty good guy. We talked for hours on the phone, and when we finally hung out and he asked me out I found no reason to say no. I can still be myself if I’m dating someone; I can still work on all the stuff I wanted to work on if I’m in a relationship. I’ve learned a lesson from my last relationship; and thats to never put myself and my wants on the side burner to please someone else. I will do what I want to do, when I want to do it (within reason of course).

n517317864_253615_3734.jpg

So from now on I will do what I fell is necessary for my own happiness. Whatever makes me happy, I’ll do it. I will put myself first – not because I am selfish, but because I don’t do so often enough. I know my sisters (if they read this) would find that difficult to believe but it is true; I often put my own feelings, thoughts, and desires aside to please other people. I often go out of my way to make those around me happy, even when I’m not feeling happy.

If I want to cry, I will cry. If I want to skip class and sleep in, I will skip class and sleep in.

Permalink 6 Comments

A Constant Ache

December 10, 2007 at 4:29 am (bad things, blogging, family, myself & I, pictures & videos, real life, reflecting)

Brad’s visitation and funeral were both beautiful. Hard, but beautiful. They played his favourite music at the visitation, and at the end of his funeral they played Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park.

I don’t want to describe the ceremony; because it will make me cry all over again. All I can say is that it was beautiful…everything they said about him…the songs and prayers that were sung and said…beautiful. His time came too soon, and I hope I never have to go to another funeral of a loved one again.

I will remember Brad, and I will not forget anytime soon just how much pain it causes your family and friends when death happens. Especially this kind of death; a death that could have been avoided.

To any of my readers out there thinking about suicide; please don’t. Don’t for yourself, and don’t for your family. The pain is gut sharp and will always be there. A constant ache.

I have that scar on my knee from Brad chasing me up the escalator…and its one scar I hope I will always have.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Life is Fragile

December 7, 2007 at 1:36 am (bad things, blogging, for a cause, myself & I, pictures & videos, real life)

Brad

 On Tuesday, December 4th 2007, one of my friends from high school died tragically in an auto accident. He had just turned 18.

Nobody is 100% sure of the details. Brad was leaving our high school and crashed head on into the guardrail. I’m not sure if his breaks and steering malfunctioned because of the weather, or if it was an intentional act. I’ve heard that he and his girlfriend had gotten into an argument…but I honestly can’t see the guy I knew doing that intentionally.

Brad and I were not best friends, and I won’t pretend that I knew everything about him. We hung out a lot in high school when I was dating his best friend, and when he was dating my best friend. I have a scar on my left knee from when he chased me up the escalator at the Science Centre and fell. He felt so bad about that…

Then there was the time that Brad, Devon (my ex-boyfriend) and two other of our friends hung out at Devon’s house. Brad was so hilarious…I laughed non stop because of him.

He had a way of making people laugh and smile despite how they felt. He listened when you needed someone to talk to, and he knew how to have fun. I can’t for one moment believe that he did this intentionally.

Tomorrow I am going to his visitation, and then the funeral is Saturday. I know there will be a lot of people. Brad touched a lot of people in his short life, and he is going to be greatly missed. The entire town is feeling the pain of his loss. He was too young.

I have been thinking about Brad a lot these past couple of days, about how if it was suicide…about how if he did drive into that guardrail with every intention of killing himself. I dream about him. He’s always trying to say something but the words are never there. I don’t think that Brad realized just how loved he was, just how much his death would affect us all. We all hurt, those of us who didn’t know him all that well included.

I have a message to anyone out there with suicidal thoughts; think about your family and friends, if anything. Think about how much pain they will be in. Think about how you won’t get the chance to be 19, to have your first [legal] drink, to get married…to have kids. All those things that Brad doesn’t have now.

If you feel like things are that bad that you would be better off dead, then they can only get better. So hang in there. Don’t give up on yourself. Parents should never have to burry their kids first.

Brad, if there is someway you could read this; I miss you. I wish I had known you better. I wish we didn’t let stupid crap keep us from being friends, I wish we had more memories together. I wish you had known that Hailey was never going to leave you. I wish you had known how much she and everyone else loved you. We still do. We miss you Brad. I still can’t believe it…last time I saw you, you were breathing. You were smiling. You were happy. I wish you had talked to someone…any of us would have been there in a heart beat.

I’ll see you again someday. I won’t forget you.

Permalink 2 Comments

Every Stitch Has a Story

November 22, 2007 at 5:12 am (bad things, blogging, myself & I, pictures & videos, real life, reflecting, story telling)

When I look in the mirror, I see a person covered in scars. They vary in size, shape, and colour even. Some are huge, red and ugly, while others have paid their dues and are less noticeable and pale pink.

But those kazillion stitches have a story. They all represent a time in my life and obstacles that I have overcome.

I am not just refering to the physical scars I have; even though I do have quite a lot of those. These physical scars leave emotional scars that only I know are there. They too, will heal over time.

a tattoo

My heart, much like my body, has several stitches piecing it together. There have been things in my life that have added to a tear in my heart, which I immediately stitched back up again. It’s not good to let open wounds bleed, or so they say.

So the event of this breakup has tore my heart again, but I shall stitch it together. And it will represent yet another story of my past, and one day…it won’t hurt so much. It only hurts now because it is fresh, so each movement pulls at the stitches and reminds me just how much it hurts.

Permalink 4 Comments

Oh noes, look at my toes!

November 1, 2007 at 6:28 pm (blogging, myself & I, pictures & videos, rambling, real life, story telling)

So I have decided to share with you all my gorgeous toes, since I’ve already showed you my arms and legs. So, here we have it; my toes:

two feet

Yes, they are all festive for Halloween! But that aside, you’ll notice that my left toes are shaped very interestingly. They have been like that since long before I could remember, and I always have to have them placed in that way, or else it is extremely uncomfortable and painful.

Here, take a closer look;

oh noes my toes!

I know they appear to be webbed; but they aren’t. They are just very crocked. You can only imagine the discomfort of painting my toe nails, since the baby toe and the one beside that sort of curve inwards and if I move them it is very uncomfortable and painful, but I still do it anyway.

I do remember on one occasion after a surgery when the nurse was trying to help me get comfortable. She tried to pry apart my toes and get them straight for some ridiculous reason. Of course, this intrusion was followed by me screaming and crying. My mom just calmly walked up to me and readjusted my toes to the position that they have always been in, and I shut up immediately and went to sleep.

I never really understood why the lady was touching my toes in the first place and moving them around trying to adjust them. If I’m not complaining about something, please don’t try to fix it. Changes are you’ll just make it worse.

Amusingly enough, I never really had a use for the nurses since my mom stayed with me during hospital visits. I am naturally very shy when it comes to going pee, and I definitely did not want strangers helping me out. So my mom did. I disliked it when anybody but my mom adjusted my pillows and blankets; as they never did it quite as right as she did. She also sneaked good food for me to eat because she knew how nasty hospital food could get. If I needed anything in the night, she was there. Really the nurses were only there to give me medicine and check my IV.

Yes, I suppose you could say I really am a strange person, from my toes to my preferences!

~*~*~

Do you have any interesting stories (like my odd toes) that you feel like sharing in the comments? Feel free too! I love hearing them!

Permalink 5 Comments

Not enough hours

October 28, 2007 at 8:39 pm (blogging, myself & I, pictures & videos, rambling, real life, story telling, working, worries/concerns)

Time goes by so quickly, especially when you are busy. Unfortunately, it’s back to school tomorrow; reading week is over. Regrettably, I have not yet started any of the assignments due this week. I’ve been really busy working practically every day and when I’m not working I’m trying not to move because my back still really hurts.

No, I haven’t gotten it checked out yet; but don’t worry, I have found my health card and plan on going very soon. When I can find the time that is between working and doing the EVER so important assignments due this week.

I am embarrassed that I haven’t started those assignments yet. I have only worked for this one week, and already I am feeling as if I’m falling behind – but to my credit, I normally procrastinate to the last possible minute anyway. At least I’m procrastinating for a good cause; money.

I did my first overnight sleep at the group home Friday night. It was extremely scary, I felt very uncomfortable in the overnight sleep bedroom. I couldn’t fall asleep because it smelt like a funeral home. Then the awake overnight person (the one who stays up all night in case any residents get out of bed) told me some creepy things about the house, like sometimes you can hear someone talking to you but you can never make out what is said. I guess that explains the child’s laughter I heard.

Not only was it creepy, but the bed was completely uncomfortable. Lately I haven’t been sleeping well at all. My back kills me, and lying on my side is uncomfortable and painful. I always have trouble lying directly on my back, and that’s what I’ve had to do lately.

Yup, so I haven’t been sleeping well. Lucky me also woke up this morning to find that my left hand feels extremely cramped for some odd reason and it hurts a lot to make a fist and grip things to pick them up. Don’t know what that means or where it came from.

I’m thinking that I should call my specialist up in TO and see what the dealo is. Why am I falling apart? Its only week 9. Anybody got super glue? Girl, Dislocated – can I borrow some of that duct tape? Please?

Well I do have some good news. I got to go to the annual Halloween dance at the rec group building. There were some awesome costumes; this was by far my favourite costume:

n517317864_189892_1569.jpg

Get it, deviled egg? I love it.

And yesterday was my oldest sister’s annual Halloween Party. The decorations were amazing and it was good times; for that short while I was there anyway. I had to leave early because I worked at 8am today and my boyfriend, the only ride option, also had to work early. So unfortunately I missed it but I’m sure it was amazingly fun!

Well, I am finally going to get off the net to start all those assignments that are due this week. Perhaps I will have a bit of a lay down first though; I am so tired and I have to do an overnight sleep again tomorrow night. Might as well get all the sleep I can now!

Permalink 4 Comments

Lipstick won’t cover THIS mess up

October 23, 2007 at 3:22 pm (blogging, myself & I, opinions, pictures & videos, rambling, real life, story telling, surgeries, worries/concerns)

Directly after one of my surgeries, the breathing tube they were removing from my throat slipped and cut the right side of my lower lip. It became infected and remained so for several weeks. Before this, I never got cold sores, but then I started to. Every time I was getting a cold or virus, I would get a cold sore. Probably because there was more bacteria in my mouth, and thanks to the after surgery lip infection, that area of my lip is more prone to getting cold sores. I always get them in the same spot too.

picture-173.jpg

I think that during the impact of having two people jump on my head and back, I must have bit down on my lip. Now it is infected and looks like a cold sore, but I can’t be too sure if it is. I might have just bitten down on it and caused the skin to break, therefore causing another infection.

Now my lip is very sore. I ran out of that Abreva stuff and really need to pick some up. Usually it helps with my lip issues, be it a cold sore or an infection. That’s what I used after that surgery when my lip got infected, and it helped.

Alas, I am wondering how I could possibly get an infection while in a clean hospital, but I suppose I should not question it. This is my life, this is what happens to me.

If my back pain doesn’t go away by Thursday, I promise I will go see a doctor about it. Unless it will prevent me from going to the Halloween Dance at the recreational group. Then I’ll put it off again, I really want to go!!! I won’t be dancing of course, but I already have my costume and I’m pumped to go!

I’m about to get ready for work again. I still haven’t decided on what I’m going to do. If the house manager is there, I will talk to her about things. I really don’t want to give up, but what assistance can I be? However, giving up is bad because then it will prove to everyone who didn’t believe I could do it that they were right. Who wants to prove someone right for not believing in you? Ok, so I suppose they just know me and my limits better, because they are the ones that watch me crash and burn, so it really isn’t fair to say they don’t believe in me. Sigh. This is my career though…

Permalink 3 Comments

So True

October 20, 2007 at 12:23 am (blogging, family, for a cause, helpful tips, myself & I, opinions, pictures & videos, rambling, real life, story telling, worries/concerns)

There is a lot of controversy about this video. People are in an outrage because it’s too graphic for the age group it is directed at, which is girls ages 10-12, otherwise known as “tweens”.

The fact of the matter is that kids are acting way to old. Have you seen the stuff in La Senza Girl? Raunchy little shirts that say “caught you looking”, now why on earth would a little girl feel the need to wear something like that? Why are they making clothes like that for young girls? What are we telling them?

vogue_nov05b.jpg

My self image isn’t perfect. I am guilty of looking at fashion magazines and critically comparing myself to the girls in them – even though I fully know the photos are airbrushed. Still though, I’ll read those magazines and long to be just like them. Gorgeous, scar free, extra bone free, and thin. Glowing. Gorgeous. Healthy. Perfect. I think my situation was a little harder then most because I wasn’t just average looking, I had a medical disability that made me look different. I have crocked legs and lots of scars. I definitely did not resemble any of those girls in the magazine. Seeing what beauty “should” look like and comparing myself to it only made me even more self conscious and insecure, further away from my goal of becoming confident and strong. For a while, I thought that in order to be confident and strong, you had to look the way the media said was pretty.

Thoughts like these are what causes eating disorders and the need for plastic surgeries. Thoughts like the ones I commonly have can destroy self conscious and make you want to be anybody but yourself. Thoughts like these are damaging. At least I didn’t start thinking that way until my middle teens. But tweens are thinking this way! 10 year old girls who should still be playing with Barbie dolls and having a carefree childhood! Instead, they listen to very sexual music that touches topics even more horrible then that Dove video did. They are acting much older then they should be, they are dressing raunchy and wearing makeup. They are being skanky.

All because it’s encouraged by the media. All because it is what’s available in the stores. All because it supposedly looks great to show off your body to everyone, that’s what the models in those fashion magazines do, isn’t it?

Maybe if the media were to stop telling the world their definition of “true beauty”, girls and women wouldn’t have to have this negative self image. It’s the 21st century, why hasn’t this changed? It’s only gotten worse.

I personally love this video. Yes, I know that Dove is just trying to sell their products in the end, but still. It’s an amazing video. I suggest you talk to your daughters about this; show them the video, and break it down for them. Let them know that they are gorgeous the way they are. Let them know that the fashion industry knows nothing about true beauty. Encourage them to dress tastefully.

I realize that all that I have said is a lot harder to do then I make it seem; after all, I’m not a mother. But I am a daughter. My parent’s have always told me that I’m beautiful the way I am, but they didn’t really break it down as much as it’s needed now in the present today. When I was younger, 10 year old girls weren’t dressing as raunchy and they weren’t anorexic. They were happy. They listened to boy bands and played Barbie dolls.

So please, talk to your daughters. Lets try to silence the media and its warped opinion of what beautiful is.

Permalink 4 Comments

Creating Stories

October 12, 2007 at 2:58 am (blogging, myself & I, pictures & videos, rambling, real life, reflecting, story telling)

Ever since before I can remember, I have loved to create stories. I love writing and getting all of my ideas down on paper (or on the computer I should say since writing for long periods of time causes more pain then typing for long periods of time). My dream has always been that I want to write books. I want to be a published author, and I want people to learn something from the books I write. I literally have a notebook full of plot ideas and summaries, and one day when I get the time, I’ll actually make books out of those plot ideas.

Since the 7th grade I have toyed with the idea of writing a book based on a girl who has MHE. This girl would experience all of the things that any person with MHE experiences; the surgeries, the pain, the feelings of isolation and loneliness, and all those other joyful things that we go through. This girl would also learn and grow from her experiences. I want to write this story not only to really make my disorder known, but to also help “regular” kids see from the outside how having a disorder can make you feel.

I’m not sure yet if I’ll cater my stories to young adults or if I’ll write for adults. The story I am working on now about the girl who has MHE is catered more to the young adults, but I am making it so that anybody can read it. I’m not sure how long it will take me to finish the story, I’m only on chapter four and I’m in a two year college program. I am also not sure about what happens when you finish it. Well I know you have someone read it and edit it and all that, but then what? How do I get it published?

Anyways, I just wanted to share my little dream of becoming a published author, and talk about my current project (which is that book about the girl with MHE).

While I was sitting here at my computer, I decided to take a couple of pictures of myself to try and give an example of what MHE looks like on the outside. Here goes it:

picture-152.jpg

This is the scar on my right shoulder; I have had two surgeries on this arm to remove a bone tumour that just kept coming back. The scar is bubbly and ugly because my skin kielods when cut. See that round, bubbly dot to the right of the scar? That is where the drain was to draw out all the extra blood. Sorry if that was too much information…

picture-153.jpg

This is my right hand; I decided to take a picture of it because I am right handed and this is the hand that I use for almost everything. I had a surgery on my middle figure to remove that tumour that makes my finger crocked but it appears to be back again.

picture-154.jpg picture-155.jpg

These are my legs. The legs that I push to continue to carry me wherever I want to go. There are so many little bumps within my legs that cause me daily aches and pains; especially the one above my right knee (sort of off to the outside area) and both the ankles. I have to say that I am quite proud of my legs; they continue to do the things I want them, even though they ache and really don’t want to. Sometimes, it takes a lot of will power to even get out of bed because these legs sometime don’t want to work. Yes, I realize that I am referring to my legs in a strange way, as if they have a mind of their own…and trust me, they do. If I am not nice to them and if I push them too hard, they won’t work very well for me. I’ll end up limping around and being in lots of pain, or I’ll still be in bed. So I have to be good to my legs by taking lots of sitting breaks if I walk or have to stand a lot and by taking short cuts such as taking the elevator to get to class.

And those are the areas on my body that my MHE is most noticeable to the untrained eye. You can see the outside effect, but I still can’t show you what MHE does. I can tell you, but you can’t see it. A lot of people who hear what MHE means are confused by it, they think that surely extra bones don’t hurt. They do hurt, they ache on a daily, constant basis.

But the important thing is I am alive, and I’m working hard to try and ensure that my disorder doesn’t own me. I prefer to think that I own it.

Permalink 7 Comments