Lost Beauty

May 13, 2008 at 3:35 pm (bad things, blogging, myself & I, rambling, real life, story telling, the past, worries/concerns)

A single rose, wilting with death,
Once was beautiful,
With bright red petals, standing tall for all to see.
Now it wilts, the life gone, the beauty gone.
No one stops to admire the rose now,
No one wants to give it to their loved one now.
It’s an ugly dead thing, to be thrown out.
It has no significant value anymore.
One looking at it now would not have known,
That once, this rose caught the attention of many.
This symbol of love, the chosen flower of Valentine’s Day,
Now rotting away slowly in it’s vase.

I wrote this poem December 8th, 2004 for a school project – that’s like 4 years ago. I know it’s not very good or anything, but I like it. I’ve never really been a poet, any poems that I have written over the past years have either been for school or to help me over come things. I can’t find any of my other poems I’ve written, and I only found this one because I was cleaning my room and found the assignment it was for. For some reason, I kept this grade 10 assignment around and finding it today, I thought it would be interesting to share.

Only a couple more weeks to my [somewhat dreaded] doctor’s appointment. In the mean time I’m still job hunting and now I’m in the process of getting a car (and finishing my drivers ed in cars). The recreation group has unfortunately screwed me over, or rather G.A – the old Program Director – has after leaving suddenly and basically telling me to “stop talking to him” when I sent him an email asking what was going on. See I thought we were friends, so I was worried about one of my friends when they abruptly left their job at a critical time. Whatever though. Unfortunately this means that I now don’t have any letters of recommendation, and I also have to re-do the summer student interview. So a new job I am searching for! It’ll probably end up being a crappy fast food, retail or other such costumer service job…not at all what I wanted to do this summer, but I’ll take the paychecks.

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I feel strongly about this – so should you.

December 21, 2007 at 5:48 pm (bad things, blogging, doctors, for a cause, opinions, rambling, real life, reflecting, resources, worries/concerns)

I have been thinking about my cousin Karen’s situation with the only two pediatric cardiologists at her son’s hospital both leaving for Winnipeg in June. Her son (my nine year old cousin) Dylan had Kawasaki’s Disease almost 8 years ago and has some heart complications. He goes for yearly checkups to make sure that everything is still good. His case is not as dire as some of the other children at that hospital; the ones who make frequent visits and practically live there and count on the support of the pediatric cardiologists.

Personally, I think that the hospital should have recruited new pediatric cardiologists before its current ones made plans to take jobs in Winnipeg. What about all the children and families counting on them? Yes, I know, there are other hospitals (like my old Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto) but as Karen expresses in her post regarding the matter, trips that long from London would put a lot of strain on a family and a child suffering from major heart problems.

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Our healthcare system definitely needs to step up. In Canada, we have a lot of “free” coverage (which we actually pay for through taxes) and for the most part it’s really good, but then we get told that it is impossible to switch family doctors if you aren’t happy because there is simply not enough family doctors available. Why is there not enough family doctors available? If that is an issue, how come the government is not stepping up to solve the problem by hiring more doctors?

Personally, I do not like our family doctor. Nobody in my family does. We would rather go into a walk in clinic then book an appointment with him because he barely helps us. He shrugs off all of our health concerns and takes the easy way out for every question or concern that we have. So yes, we would love to switch family doctors — if there were any available. The only way to get a new doctor is to move to a new location, and even then it’s hard.

There are a lot of loopholes in our health care system that really need to be addressed. As taxpayers, we shouldn’t be allowing this issues of not having enough doctors to reoccur. We should be working towards solving the issue, instead of letting families go without doctors or having them travel long distances to see specialists.

What do you think?

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Smiles are for lots of things

December 12, 2007 at 4:06 pm (bad things, blogging, myself & I, rambling, real life)

A smile can say a lot of things; it can mean you are happy, or that you are sad. It can mean that you didn’t like what you just heard, or your holding back emotions too complicated to comprehend or too difficult to share.

Smiles can mean you feel great, or they can mean you feel horrible. How does one tell the differences between all those different sorts of smiles, used for so many different things? I’m not even sure what half of my smiles mean!

Smiles can really be deceiving though. I would never base a persons happiness on how much they smile, because in the end half the time smiles are just cover ups for the true feelings that lie beneath the surface…the true feelings that nobody wants to ask you about because they know that if you are smiling its because you don’t want to or can’t share those feelings.

My friend Brad smiled a lot, but he wasn’t happy. If he was happy, then he wouldn’t have driven into that guardrail. Sure, there could have been issues with his breaks but he literally drove straight into it from the driveway of our old high school. Speeding. He was upset about a fight with his girlfriend.

We all fight with the people in our lives that we care about. It’s in human nature to take out bad things on the people you care about most; because they love you and will let it happen. They will forgive you in the end for acting the way you did. For the outside world, all you can do is smile though.

So right now I am smiling, not because I’m happy but because I am not happy. I am stressed and upset and having a difficult time dealing with all that has been thrown at me in the past month. There has been a lot thrown at me…things I  don’t discuss in the blogging world because it isn’t my place to discuss them.

But the good thing about smiling when you aren’t happy is that sometimes, if you really try to believe it…you can convince yourself that you are happy.

Sometimes.

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A Constant Ache

December 10, 2007 at 4:29 am (bad things, blogging, family, myself & I, pictures & videos, real life, reflecting)

Brad’s visitation and funeral were both beautiful. Hard, but beautiful. They played his favourite music at the visitation, and at the end of his funeral they played Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park.

I don’t want to describe the ceremony; because it will make me cry all over again. All I can say is that it was beautiful…everything they said about him…the songs and prayers that were sung and said…beautiful. His time came too soon, and I hope I never have to go to another funeral of a loved one again.

I will remember Brad, and I will not forget anytime soon just how much pain it causes your family and friends when death happens. Especially this kind of death; a death that could have been avoided.

To any of my readers out there thinking about suicide; please don’t. Don’t for yourself, and don’t for your family. The pain is gut sharp and will always be there. A constant ache.

I have that scar on my knee from Brad chasing me up the escalator…and its one scar I hope I will always have.

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Life is Fragile

December 7, 2007 at 1:36 am (bad things, blogging, for a cause, myself & I, pictures & videos, real life)

Brad

 On Tuesday, December 4th 2007, one of my friends from high school died tragically in an auto accident. He had just turned 18.

Nobody is 100% sure of the details. Brad was leaving our high school and crashed head on into the guardrail. I’m not sure if his breaks and steering malfunctioned because of the weather, or if it was an intentional act. I’ve heard that he and his girlfriend had gotten into an argument…but I honestly can’t see the guy I knew doing that intentionally.

Brad and I were not best friends, and I won’t pretend that I knew everything about him. We hung out a lot in high school when I was dating his best friend, and when he was dating my best friend. I have a scar on my left knee from when he chased me up the escalator at the Science Centre and fell. He felt so bad about that…

Then there was the time that Brad, Devon (my ex-boyfriend) and two other of our friends hung out at Devon’s house. Brad was so hilarious…I laughed non stop because of him.

He had a way of making people laugh and smile despite how they felt. He listened when you needed someone to talk to, and he knew how to have fun. I can’t for one moment believe that he did this intentionally.

Tomorrow I am going to his visitation, and then the funeral is Saturday. I know there will be a lot of people. Brad touched a lot of people in his short life, and he is going to be greatly missed. The entire town is feeling the pain of his loss. He was too young.

I have been thinking about Brad a lot these past couple of days, about how if it was suicide…about how if he did drive into that guardrail with every intention of killing himself. I dream about him. He’s always trying to say something but the words are never there. I don’t think that Brad realized just how loved he was, just how much his death would affect us all. We all hurt, those of us who didn’t know him all that well included.

I have a message to anyone out there with suicidal thoughts; think about your family and friends, if anything. Think about how much pain they will be in. Think about how you won’t get the chance to be 19, to have your first [legal] drink, to get married…to have kids. All those things that Brad doesn’t have now.

If you feel like things are that bad that you would be better off dead, then they can only get better. So hang in there. Don’t give up on yourself. Parents should never have to burry their kids first.

Brad, if there is someway you could read this; I miss you. I wish I had known you better. I wish we didn’t let stupid crap keep us from being friends, I wish we had more memories together. I wish you had known that Hailey was never going to leave you. I wish you had known how much she and everyone else loved you. We still do. We miss you Brad. I still can’t believe it…last time I saw you, you were breathing. You were smiling. You were happy. I wish you had talked to someone…any of us would have been there in a heart beat.

I’ll see you again someday. I won’t forget you.

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Every Stitch Has a Story

November 22, 2007 at 5:12 am (bad things, blogging, myself & I, pictures & videos, real life, reflecting, story telling)

When I look in the mirror, I see a person covered in scars. They vary in size, shape, and colour even. Some are huge, red and ugly, while others have paid their dues and are less noticeable and pale pink.

But those kazillion stitches have a story. They all represent a time in my life and obstacles that I have overcome.

I am not just refering to the physical scars I have; even though I do have quite a lot of those. These physical scars leave emotional scars that only I know are there. They too, will heal over time.

a tattoo

My heart, much like my body, has several stitches piecing it together. There have been things in my life that have added to a tear in my heart, which I immediately stitched back up again. It’s not good to let open wounds bleed, or so they say.

So the event of this breakup has tore my heart again, but I shall stitch it together. And it will represent yet another story of my past, and one day…it won’t hurt so much. It only hurts now because it is fresh, so each movement pulls at the stitches and reminds me just how much it hurts.

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Venting

November 17, 2007 at 2:00 pm (bad things, blogging, for a cause, helpful tips, opinions, rambling, real life, reflecting)

I find it extremely ridiculous that you need a license for everything but having kids. Even if you wanted to adopt a dog from the pound, they would have to check you out to see if you could handle it. How come it isn’t like that when it comes to having kids? Yes I know, you can’t prevent scum from giving birth, but what about doing follow ups to make sure the baby is ok? Hmm? Did the government ever think of that?

It absolutely disgusts me that there are parents out there who “don’t want to handle” their children with disabilities. They ship them off to live in group homes and never visit even though they live quite close. Then there are the people out their who are sorry excuses for parents. One child at one of the group homes was a perfectly “normal” child before her parents cracked her head off the side of the tub when she was two and set her on the bed for hours before deciding to take her to the hospital. Now she can’t walk or talk. It wouldn’t have been this bad if a) her parents had never cracked her head off the tub in the first place and b) if they had taken her to the hospital immediately.

Babies have no perfection grantee. If you don’t think you would be able to love your child, disability and all, before you have it; don’t get pregnant. And if you do happen to get pregnant and give birth to a child with developmental or physical disabilities, the least you could do is give it up for adoption so the child has  a chance of finding a loving home, not just a group home. We love our kids at the group home, but it isn’t the same thing as having parents and siblings.

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When You Fall Down…

November 7, 2007 at 3:20 am (bad things, blogging, myself & I, rambling, real life, reflecting, worries/concerns)

These past 48 hours haven’t been good ones for me.

That very special someone in my life no longer wants to be a part of it. My boyfriend of a year and 3 months broke up with me last night, or early this morning I should say. The reasons I have discussed so many times I just don’t want to think about it anymore. Bottom line is he wasn’t happy, and as much as I don’t want to admit it, neither was I.

For some time, I’ve been feeling super insecure in our relationship. Ever since I moved, I felt as if he didn’t want to give the effort that is involved in keeping a long distance relationship going. I felt as if there was a barrier between us and all conversation couldn’t be heard. Communication signals were down.

I hurt right now, really bad. Getting out of bed this morning was so difficult. Obviously, he has been such a major positive part of my life for so long now that it’s difficult to picture it without him.

It isn’t pretty out there. It’s cold and dark and alone.

I thought I had found my Prince Charming, the one who I would be with forever. But I guess I was wrong. Now I’m working on moving on. And it will take time.

This is a new, fresh scar that runs deeper then any one I have ever had before. It isn’t a result of a physical thing, such as surgery, but it is a result of a broken heart. Hopefully this scar would get kioloids.

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