Regrets

January 28, 2008 at 3:33 pm (blogging, myself & I, opinions, rambling, real life, reflecting, these scars, worries/concerns)

When you have a chronic pain disorder you unfortunately tend to miss out on a lot. I was excused from Gym class at a very young age, so I never had to do the beep test or climb ropes (not that they climb ropes in Gym class – I wouldn’t know for sure, but I think that is only in movies). My parents also sheltered me from a lot of the more dangerous activities, such as ice skating (hockey was definitely out), horse back riding, water skiing, snowboarding and skiing, etc etc. The only sport I have ever really played was baseball, and even then I would get so tired and fed up with the fact that my energy was low and my legs were sore that I would sit down in the outfield and play in the sand.

Missing out on contact sports was all for a good reason though. My body isn’t built the same way that everyone else’s body is built. My knees and ankles aren’t in-line, and I do have like a kazillion more bones then most people and my doctors were never quite sure what a break would do to. They didn’t know how I would heal from it, and therefore they advised me to stay away from anything even remotely dangerous.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to go horse back riding. I wanted to take lessons and go to the week long camps they had for riders. A week of riding a horse on a trail sounded perfect to me. But horse back riding takes a lot of leg work that I just didn’t and don’t have. My parents were afraid that I would fall off and hurt myself, so I never did get to take those lessons.

I can remember clearly watching my older sisters learning how to water ski up at the cottage and feeling envious because I wasn’t aloud to try it. Even then, I knew that it wouldn’t exactly be the best idea. Sure, I could do it – I am completely aware that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to – but I would surely suffer and most definitely get hurt.

I was also envious when my sisters all went snowboarding and skiing together. It looked like such fun! I know that it is practically a death wish for me to attempt it, but I still always have wanted too.

As I think about all the stuff that I have held back on doing because of my MHE, I feel remorse and sadness. I’m worried that when I am an old lady I’ll look back and not reach integrity in the Integrity vs Despair stage of Erikson’s theory. I would like to try all those things, but I know that it isn’t safe for me to do so…I could very well end up in a wheelchair. That would seriously tick my sister Shannon off, who is getting married in April.

I am not angry about any of it, I’m just trying to figure out a way that I can get around the MHE and actually do these things safely without harming myself badly. If anybody has any ideas, then feel free to suggest them!

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What’s wrong with that girl’s arm?

January 14, 2008 at 8:36 pm (blogging, pictures & videos, rambling, real life, reflecting, story telling, these scars)

 

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When you first saw this picture, what did you think? That the people in it are all having fun? Or do you zero in on one detail that isn’t exactly…normal? Did you focus on that girl’s arm and wonder what the hell happened to it? If so, why did you see that and only that?

That girl in the picture is me, this past weekend at my friends house. We were all having a blast and honestly I didn’t even feel uncomfortable wearing the tube top I was wearing. Then my friend put the pictures up on Facebook, and people I didn’t even know started commenting asking “what’s wrong with that girl’s arm?” as if it was the most important thing ever.

I’m sure these people meant no harm and they were simply curious, but sometimes curiousity can come off as rude and out of line. Leaving comments like that on a picture about someone will single them out and make them feel like a freak, like I feel right now. I’m just wondering why it’s so important…why whenever something isn’t normal about someone, everyone else rushes to point it out.

I’ve faced this kind of thing ever since I can remember; people asking what’s wrong with a certain part of my body that isn’t like them. Kids will be kids, I understand that, but I think by now people should know what tact is. One would think that young adults would think before they said something.

I honestly don’t think it’s anybody’s business why my arm is “different” and I find it rude when someone I don’t even know asks me whats wrong with me. I don’t mind when it’s a friend or someone well on the way to being a friend, but a complete stranger has no right to demand answers of me. My scars are an indepth story that I dislike talking about unless I know the person, it makes me uncomfortable. My medical history is not something I wish to talk about to complete strangers, and I hate feeling obligated to answer someone when they ask.

If I have kids, I’ll make sure to teach them that it’s rude to ask strangers personal questions – even if it’s about a scar they got. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not a conversation starter – it’s a conversation killer. It’s not a really good feeling when you dress up and do your hair and makeup and the first thing people notice about you is not that you look nice, but that your arm has a gigantic, ugly scar on it.

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Adjusting

January 11, 2008 at 8:08 pm (blogging, myself & I, opinions, rambling, real life, worries/concerns)

I realize that I have been abandoning this blog indirectly; and I am sorry. I definitely am going to make more time for it; as I should. Before I was really busy with work and school; and now that I’m living back at home with the dialup connection, my patience can only go so far.

What’s new with me? Well…everything and nothing at the same time. I woke up today feeling not so great – my legs are killing me. I wanted to go back to bed. Luckily, I didn’t have to be anywhere important.

In a matter of time though, I will be able to ignore the pain. When something is constant for me; I can adjust my pain tolerance levels, that way it doesn’t bother me as much. I don’t take any kinds of drugs for my pains because most of the over the counter stuff doesn’t work and I hate relying on heavier drugs to ease pain. I find adjusting to it is far better for me – mentally anyway. I suppose it isn’t always the best idea…back in grade eight I attempted to adjust to some serious pain in my leg. The tumour was cutting of the nerves in my legs, and because I waited so long to speak up about it I had lost a lot of movement in my legs. Luckily my nerves bounced back and I’m ok.

Other then winter aches and pains; nothing has really changed. I am not working or going to school at the moment; but I am looking for a job. I’m considering doing some online writing and making money that way for a bit. This way I can stay at home and relax.

I am thinking about contacting my doctor and seeing if I can book in a surgery. I have 5 months to kill, so why not have a surgery and have some of the problem spots taken care of while I wait? In May I’ll probably start working at the recreational group again, so I want to be in my best shape. I don’t want to spend the weekend in a tent in pain if I can avoid it.

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