Oh how time flies

December 31, 2007 at 3:12 am (blogging, rambling, real life, worries/concerns)

I can’t believe how quickly yet another month has flown by. I am sorry I missed the opportunity to wish everybody a very Merry Christmas – but better late then never, hmm? I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! I know I did.

Now…there have been some changes in my spur of the moment plans. I don’t think I will be moving in with my cousin right now. Things have come up that make being further away from home a little difficult…so I think I’ll stay here….for the time being anyway.

Of course this means that I cannot work…for the time being anyway. Both my parents have fulltime jobs, and I don’t have a license so I can’t drive myself anywhere. It will be hard trying to find a job with no wheels, especially since I live out in the middle of nowhere.

But this means that I could work on my writing. I have an amazing idea for a novel, and I’m doing the background research and character development now. I’m also looking into getting it either self published or at least read by a publishing company. How cool is that? It’s always been a dream of mine to write books! Maybe I can get started on it!

And this also gives me time to think about other program options at other colleges…and maybe even throw in a surgery or something. Why not eh? If I have the time I should make use of it!

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I feel strongly about this – so should you.

December 21, 2007 at 5:48 pm (bad things, blogging, doctors, for a cause, opinions, rambling, real life, reflecting, resources, worries/concerns)

I have been thinking about my cousin Karen’s situation with the only two pediatric cardiologists at her son’s hospital both leaving for Winnipeg in June. Her son (my nine year old cousin) Dylan had Kawasaki’s Disease almost 8 years ago and has some heart complications. He goes for yearly checkups to make sure that everything is still good. His case is not as dire as some of the other children at that hospital; the ones who make frequent visits and practically live there and count on the support of the pediatric cardiologists.

Personally, I think that the hospital should have recruited new pediatric cardiologists before its current ones made plans to take jobs in Winnipeg. What about all the children and families counting on them? Yes, I know, there are other hospitals (like my old Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto) but as Karen expresses in her post regarding the matter, trips that long from London would put a lot of strain on a family and a child suffering from major heart problems.

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Our healthcare system definitely needs to step up. In Canada, we have a lot of “free” coverage (which we actually pay for through taxes) and for the most part it’s really good, but then we get told that it is impossible to switch family doctors if you aren’t happy because there is simply not enough family doctors available. Why is there not enough family doctors available? If that is an issue, how come the government is not stepping up to solve the problem by hiring more doctors?

Personally, I do not like our family doctor. Nobody in my family does. We would rather go into a walk in clinic then book an appointment with him because he barely helps us. He shrugs off all of our health concerns and takes the easy way out for every question or concern that we have. So yes, we would love to switch family doctors — if there were any available. The only way to get a new doctor is to move to a new location, and even then it’s hard.

There are a lot of loopholes in our health care system that really need to be addressed. As taxpayers, we shouldn’t be allowing this issues of not having enough doctors to reoccur. We should be working towards solving the issue, instead of letting families go without doctors or having them travel long distances to see specialists.

What do you think?

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Of Heat Pads and Flannel PJs

December 18, 2007 at 11:12 pm (blogging, myself & I, opinions, rambling, real life, working)

Whenever winter comes, icy pain follows. Each year is a struggle to keep pushing forward through the knee high drifts of snow. Continuing on with my daily life is actually a lot harder then I let on…because I hate feeling weak and vulnerable. Sometimes though, I wish I was a bear so I could sleep through winter in a nice, warm den surrounded by food. Hey, don’t we all? For those of you who don’t have the pleasure of living in either Canada or the upper states, then you don’t know just how bad snow sucks. Sure, it’s gorgeous. Sure, winter activities are fun – like sledding and skiing and snowmobiling – but I pay the price of moving 10x slower than I normally do.

In my attempts to keep warm, I surround myself with heat pads, warm blankets and flannel PJ’s. I like to hide under my blankets with a good book, or sit in front of a fire (which I would do more often if I had a fireplace). But the second I have to go outside to actually get somewhere to actually do something, well…all those attempts just flush down the toilet and I’m suddenly freezing cold and very sore.

But weather complaints aside, my weekend has been going ok – except for the fact that I may have re-cracked a couple more discs in my back. Yup. Thank you heavy lifting at work. Love it. Only 5 more shifts of work to go before I’m finished and able to move to my cousin’s place.

…guess I should start packing eh?

Well I’m off to hide under my covers again…and maybe start packing. Maybe.

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Up to the ears with snow!

December 17, 2007 at 6:48 pm (beginnings, blogging, endings, myself & I, rambling, real life, worries/concerns)

I haven’t even started packing yet…I should really get on that. Problem is, I don’t have any boxes or bags to start the packing. Perhaps I’ll ask my soon to be ex-landlords if they have any boxes I could use, or if they will be going to the grocery store anytime soon. I could always tag along and snag some boxes. I have a lot to pack.

I have 5 more shifts at the group home and 11 more actual days before the move. I am going to miss working at the group home, and all of the residents. I’ll miss some of my co-workers. Hmm…this reminds me, I need to go to a store soon and pick up some Christmas cards; so many of my co-workers have handed them out that it would look totally rude if I didn’t give them something in return. I also need to get a present for the person I picked for Secret Santa. I would totally take a bus and take care of that today before work, but my route has been canceled due to all the snow we’ve been getting. Walking to work yesterday was an absolute nightmare! The snow was up to my knees! On the sidewalk! I wish I had pictures…to show the amount of snow we’ve gotten in the past couple of days.

The town where I am right now doesn’t really believe in plowing the roads, let alone the sidewalks. This is very bad news for my legs – which ache a lot today and have been aching a lot since winter started.

Actually, I should really call my doctor. My ankles have been locking up – which is VERY painful – and I have no idea if this is in any way related to fusing bones. Perhaps they are fusing. I’m not sure though. My friend Mandy told me that it is common for older people with MHE to have their bones fuse…and her bones have already started to fuse. I’m worried mine are too.

And as for that new boy, I think I will be calling things off…since I’m moving and everything. Not to mention, I really don’t want to be in a relationship right now. So yeah, that’s that I guess.

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Winter is Here.

December 13, 2007 at 5:30 pm (beginnings, blogging, endings, myself & I, rambling, real life)

I cannot believe that there are only 12 days until Christmas. I have not yet finished my Christmas shopping. I still need to buy stuff for the guy I am now seeing and a couple of my friends. Plus I still need to get something for a girl a work with (we did Secret Santa).

So. What is new in the life of JC? Tons of things. For instance…I have decided to not return for semester 2 of my program. It simply isn’t what I thought it would be; and the job opportunities are not plentiful. When I graduate, I will only be offered jobs in group homes and other such agencies. I was under the impression that I would get to work in any kind of group home, school, or hospital setting. I am also quitting my job at the group home so I can move to my cousin’s place.

I love the residents at the group home, and I am sad about leaving them on such short notice. But management is very hard to please and frankly, I’m tired of pushing myself to my breaking point and not getting barely anyrecognization for the stuff I do. My house manager is “disappointed in me” because I “let the kids down”. I took a shift for a girl I work with so she could attend the staff Christmas party – I wasn’t eventhinking about myself or my schooling, and I do have an exam at 4pm. The shift is from 4 until 8. Yes, I realize that I did commit to taking this girl’s shift, but in my rush to be such a peoplepleaser I put myself aside. I need to do this exam at 4pm today. I tried my hardest to find someone who would cover it, but nobody could. Everybody had something vitally important to do, and nobody could work at most 2 hours for me while I write my exam. So they are going to be running short for 2 hours, and it’s all my fault. And I’ve let down my house manager and the kids.

So since I disappointed my house manager and the kids enough, I guess handing in my two weeks notice won’t be a major disappointment. Apparently people at my work were mad at me for being late. I was late twice; both times were outside of my control. One of the times the highway was closed because of an accident, and weather was the result of the other time. I find my co-workers to be entirely too gossipy and catty. So I’ll resign.

I’m looking for a job around where my cousin lives. There are apparently a lot more group homes that pay better and treat their employees better, so I will look into that.

So there are a lot of changes that I will be going through for the next little while. I think last time I jumped into the idea of college too quickly, and when it wasn’t what I expected it to be I became isolated and felt let down. This time I am taking almost a year off. I’ll get more work experience and save up my money. Then I will get to go into either Child and Youth Work or Developmental Services Work, both courses are totally awesome and focusessouly around what I want to do with my future. I could work in school, group home, or hospital settings with a degree in both of those programs.

I am moving out of my apartment on December 31st. I am looking forward to this change; I haven’t been happy here.

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Smiles are for lots of things

December 12, 2007 at 4:06 pm (bad things, blogging, myself & I, rambling, real life)

A smile can say a lot of things; it can mean you are happy, or that you are sad. It can mean that you didn’t like what you just heard, or your holding back emotions too complicated to comprehend or too difficult to share.

Smiles can mean you feel great, or they can mean you feel horrible. How does one tell the differences between all those different sorts of smiles, used for so many different things? I’m not even sure what half of my smiles mean!

Smiles can really be deceiving though. I would never base a persons happiness on how much they smile, because in the end half the time smiles are just cover ups for the true feelings that lie beneath the surface…the true feelings that nobody wants to ask you about because they know that if you are smiling its because you don’t want to or can’t share those feelings.

My friend Brad smiled a lot, but he wasn’t happy. If he was happy, then he wouldn’t have driven into that guardrail. Sure, there could have been issues with his breaks but he literally drove straight into it from the driveway of our old high school. Speeding. He was upset about a fight with his girlfriend.

We all fight with the people in our lives that we care about. It’s in human nature to take out bad things on the people you care about most; because they love you and will let it happen. They will forgive you in the end for acting the way you did. For the outside world, all you can do is smile though.

So right now I am smiling, not because I’m happy but because I am not happy. I am stressed and upset and having a difficult time dealing with all that has been thrown at me in the past month. There has been a lot thrown at me…things I  don’t discuss in the blogging world because it isn’t my place to discuss them.

But the good thing about smiling when you aren’t happy is that sometimes, if you really try to believe it…you can convince yourself that you are happy.

Sometimes.

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Fresh like Spring

December 10, 2007 at 4:12 pm (blogging, myself & I, opinions, pictures & videos, rambling, real life)

Lately I have been so wrapped up in life and all of the going ons. Winter is always the hardest session on a person like me; and getting up in the morning is a struggle normally. It’s an extra struggle with the added emotional problems of loosing a friend and the other millions of things that have happened to me.

But I can honestly say now that I am no longer pining over my ex-boyfriend, Neil. In fact I am very much over him. I thank him for opening my eyes to the real person he was. Unfortunately; I only tend to see the good in people. This is bad for me because I often get hurt because I refuse to see the truth. The truth about Neil is that he was only concerned about himself. In the end, it was all about him and what he wanted and what made him happy.

I find it slightly amusing that I would think one moment to never get over him; that my life could not go on without him in it. But I was deeply surprised to find that my life did indeed go on. I started to smile more because I realized that I wasn’t happy with him anyway. When my sister, Shannon, told me that I was lucky that I would get to experience that “new relationship” feeling, I didn’t believe her. I didn’t think I could ever move on. But she was right, and move on I did.

My plan was to be single for a while…but that didn’t last. I didn’t indeed to start dating so quickly; I honestly did want to play the field for a bit and just focus on myself. Then I started talking to Blake. I went to high school with him, and he’s a pretty good guy. We talked for hours on the phone, and when we finally hung out and he asked me out I found no reason to say no. I can still be myself if I’m dating someone; I can still work on all the stuff I wanted to work on if I’m in a relationship. I’ve learned a lesson from my last relationship; and thats to never put myself and my wants on the side burner to please someone else. I will do what I want to do, when I want to do it (within reason of course).

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So from now on I will do what I fell is necessary for my own happiness. Whatever makes me happy, I’ll do it. I will put myself first – not because I am selfish, but because I don’t do so often enough. I know my sisters (if they read this) would find that difficult to believe but it is true; I often put my own feelings, thoughts, and desires aside to please other people. I often go out of my way to make those around me happy, even when I’m not feeling happy.

If I want to cry, I will cry. If I want to skip class and sleep in, I will skip class and sleep in.

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A Constant Ache

December 10, 2007 at 4:29 am (bad things, blogging, family, myself & I, pictures & videos, real life, reflecting)

Brad’s visitation and funeral were both beautiful. Hard, but beautiful. They played his favourite music at the visitation, and at the end of his funeral they played Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park.

I don’t want to describe the ceremony; because it will make me cry all over again. All I can say is that it was beautiful…everything they said about him…the songs and prayers that were sung and said…beautiful. His time came too soon, and I hope I never have to go to another funeral of a loved one again.

I will remember Brad, and I will not forget anytime soon just how much pain it causes your family and friends when death happens. Especially this kind of death; a death that could have been avoided.

To any of my readers out there thinking about suicide; please don’t. Don’t for yourself, and don’t for your family. The pain is gut sharp and will always be there. A constant ache.

I have that scar on my knee from Brad chasing me up the escalator…and its one scar I hope I will always have.

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Life is Fragile

December 7, 2007 at 1:36 am (bad things, blogging, for a cause, myself & I, pictures & videos, real life)

Brad

 On Tuesday, December 4th 2007, one of my friends from high school died tragically in an auto accident. He had just turned 18.

Nobody is 100% sure of the details. Brad was leaving our high school and crashed head on into the guardrail. I’m not sure if his breaks and steering malfunctioned because of the weather, or if it was an intentional act. I’ve heard that he and his girlfriend had gotten into an argument…but I honestly can’t see the guy I knew doing that intentionally.

Brad and I were not best friends, and I won’t pretend that I knew everything about him. We hung out a lot in high school when I was dating his best friend, and when he was dating my best friend. I have a scar on my left knee from when he chased me up the escalator at the Science Centre and fell. He felt so bad about that…

Then there was the time that Brad, Devon (my ex-boyfriend) and two other of our friends hung out at Devon’s house. Brad was so hilarious…I laughed non stop because of him.

He had a way of making people laugh and smile despite how they felt. He listened when you needed someone to talk to, and he knew how to have fun. I can’t for one moment believe that he did this intentionally.

Tomorrow I am going to his visitation, and then the funeral is Saturday. I know there will be a lot of people. Brad touched a lot of people in his short life, and he is going to be greatly missed. The entire town is feeling the pain of his loss. He was too young.

I have been thinking about Brad a lot these past couple of days, about how if it was suicide…about how if he did drive into that guardrail with every intention of killing himself. I dream about him. He’s always trying to say something but the words are never there. I don’t think that Brad realized just how loved he was, just how much his death would affect us all. We all hurt, those of us who didn’t know him all that well included.

I have a message to anyone out there with suicidal thoughts; think about your family and friends, if anything. Think about how much pain they will be in. Think about how you won’t get the chance to be 19, to have your first [legal] drink, to get married…to have kids. All those things that Brad doesn’t have now.

If you feel like things are that bad that you would be better off dead, then they can only get better. So hang in there. Don’t give up on yourself. Parents should never have to burry their kids first.

Brad, if there is someway you could read this; I miss you. I wish I had known you better. I wish we didn’t let stupid crap keep us from being friends, I wish we had more memories together. I wish you had known that Hailey was never going to leave you. I wish you had known how much she and everyone else loved you. We still do. We miss you Brad. I still can’t believe it…last time I saw you, you were breathing. You were smiling. You were happy. I wish you had talked to someone…any of us would have been there in a heart beat.

I’ll see you again someday. I won’t forget you.

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