First Day

October 23, 2007 at 3:22 am (blogging, myself & I, rambling, real life)

So I had my first shift today at the group home. I think I might be in way over my head.

This job is a lot more physical than I thought it would be. When the clients don’t want to do something, they really don’t want to do something. It is my job to prevent clients from being violent when they are getting their medications.

Needless to say, I ache a lot. I was aching before I went to work, and it definitely did not help my situation. I don’t even know if I like the job, it’s so difficult! Normally, I’m not a very strong person – at all. I can’t even open a bottle of pop on my own without someone to help me. I just don’t have that sort of nerve and muscle control. Tonight I was shadowing another 3rd staff, and he did most of the work but I still found myself struggling and straining. Maybe I just felt as if I had to do all the physical stuff because he was; maybe he just does it because he’s strong and a guy. I’m really not strong, and all of the clients are bigger then me.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. This is what I dedicated my life to doing, and I can’t physically do it. It’s been one day and I can barely take it. I don’t know if this is just because of what happened to my back the other day, or if I actually can’t do it. I ache, I can’t sleep because I ache, and I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I signed a contract saying I was fit to work. It doesn’t say how long though, or anything like that. But I doubted myself when I signed it. I thought to myself; well, I’m never completely fit to work, am I? and almost did not sign it. But I really wanted the job, so I did end up signing it.

During my interview with the house manager, I held back a lot of medical information about myself. I did tell her about my MHE, and that I’m not very strong because of it. I also told her it effects my mobility. She still hired me.

What did I get myself into? Am I going to be able to do this job? What if I’m not? Then what? I can’t really quit. It’s only been a day! I hate quitting at anything!

When I spoke to my dad on the phone, he suggested that I should quit. He told me I could end up hurting myself really bad if I continued to force my body to do this sort of thing. I could end up paralyzed (or so he says, this might just be a daddy thing – he could just be telling me that because he is worried and just wants me to be safe) or seriously hurt.

But maybe I will force myself to hold up for 6 months. I have decided that I am definitely going back to that recreational group for the summer. The pay is way better and the work is a lot more fun. I get to plan events and make people happy. I avoid doing all the physical work because they understand my situation. There is less of a chance of me hurting myself (save for getting tackled by the members and cracking a disc in my spine that is).

I don’t know. It’s an internal debate: quit and not hurt myself more, or work and hurt myself more.

Why do life decisions always have to be so difficult?

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1 Comment

  1. Sarcastica » Holy Crap. said,

    […] am fighting myself internally about resigning. I really don’t want to, because I just started working. Yesterday was only […]

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