Feeling This Exhaustion

October 31, 2007 at 2:30 pm (blogging, helpful tips, myself & I, real life, working, worries/concerns)

This week has been way too busy for me. I didn’t even go to class on Monday because I really needed the rest. Despite that, it didn’t seem to help at all – or maybe it was the fact that I did an overnight sleep Monday at the group home. I don’t sleep well when I am there. Somebody is always up and stomping around, plus the bed is way to uncomfortable. So needless to say on Tuesday I was pooped. I fell asleep in my eleven o’clock lecture. I fell asleep doing homework in the library during my four hour break. I fell asleep on the computer in the lab while checking me email.

Finally, I decided it was time to go home and get some rest. I knew I was very exhausted because I cannot normally sleep sitting up. I fell asleep waiting for my bus, and missed it. I somehow managed to get on the other bus 40 minutes later, and I nearly missed my stop because I fell asleep again.

The second I got in, I went to bed and sleep for two hours. It seriously only felt like a minute. Then my landlord offered to take me grocery shopping, and since I had no food I couldn’t very well refuse. I stocked up on yummy things, and I’m actually going to attempt to eat right. I bought chicken! I’ll be making a chicken and potatoes dinner this week. Plus I got taco fixings for tacos.

I think that if I start eating better and getting more sleep, then I’ll be able to function better. Unfortunately I still haven’t found the time to get my bum to the doctors office about my back. Between school and work and homework, I just don’t have the time. Plus who wants to go to the doctors alone? Not me. I’ve always gone with my parents. Yes, I know, I am an adult now and I should be taking those big steps on my own, but I’m not ready yet!

Anyways, it’s Halloween! The day I eagerly anticipate all year long! I love dressing up and I love candy. I love scary movies and I love scaring people. Unfortunately, I don’t get to do anything for Halloween this year. I was going to dress up to go to work, but a co-worker pointed out that might not be a good idea. Wouldn’t want to scare any residents if they happened to get up in the middle of the night, now would I? Although truthfully, I haven’t done a heck of a lot the last couple of years for Halloween. Walking from house to house was painful, so I stopped doing that. I liked it better when my parents took us and we drove the car from country house to country house, right up to the doors. I never did have to walk several blocks visiting every single house getting tons of candy.

When I have my own house, I plan on making it the creepiest house on the block. I’m hoping that my boyfriend will buy me a huge old Victorian style house 😉 I love Victorian style houses!

Anyways, I should go get some homework finished. I only have a couple of hours before class! Yikes! Happy Halloween everybody!

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Not enough hours

October 28, 2007 at 8:39 pm (blogging, myself & I, pictures & videos, rambling, real life, story telling, working, worries/concerns)

Time goes by so quickly, especially when you are busy. Unfortunately, it’s back to school tomorrow; reading week is over. Regrettably, I have not yet started any of the assignments due this week. I’ve been really busy working practically every day and when I’m not working I’m trying not to move because my back still really hurts.

No, I haven’t gotten it checked out yet; but don’t worry, I have found my health card and plan on going very soon. When I can find the time that is between working and doing the EVER so important assignments due this week.

I am embarrassed that I haven’t started those assignments yet. I have only worked for this one week, and already I am feeling as if I’m falling behind – but to my credit, I normally procrastinate to the last possible minute anyway. At least I’m procrastinating for a good cause; money.

I did my first overnight sleep at the group home Friday night. It was extremely scary, I felt very uncomfortable in the overnight sleep bedroom. I couldn’t fall asleep because it smelt like a funeral home. Then the awake overnight person (the one who stays up all night in case any residents get out of bed) told me some creepy things about the house, like sometimes you can hear someone talking to you but you can never make out what is said. I guess that explains the child’s laughter I heard.

Not only was it creepy, but the bed was completely uncomfortable. Lately I haven’t been sleeping well at all. My back kills me, and lying on my side is uncomfortable and painful. I always have trouble lying directly on my back, and that’s what I’ve had to do lately.

Yup, so I haven’t been sleeping well. Lucky me also woke up this morning to find that my left hand feels extremely cramped for some odd reason and it hurts a lot to make a fist and grip things to pick them up. Don’t know what that means or where it came from.

I’m thinking that I should call my specialist up in TO and see what the dealo is. Why am I falling apart? Its only week 9. Anybody got super glue? Girl, Dislocated – can I borrow some of that duct tape? Please?

Well I do have some good news. I got to go to the annual Halloween dance at the rec group building. There were some awesome costumes; this was by far my favourite costume:

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Get it, deviled egg? I love it.

And yesterday was my oldest sister’s annual Halloween Party. The decorations were amazing and it was good times; for that short while I was there anyway. I had to leave early because I worked at 8am today and my boyfriend, the only ride option, also had to work early. So unfortunately I missed it but I’m sure it was amazingly fun!

Well, I am finally going to get off the net to start all those assignments that are due this week. Perhaps I will have a bit of a lay down first though; I am so tired and I have to do an overnight sleep again tomorrow night. Might as well get all the sleep I can now!

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Distribute This!

October 25, 2007 at 2:55 pm (appointments, blogging, for a cause, helpful tips, myself & I, opinions, real life, resources, XanGo)

I am now going to actively distribute XanGo, so if you are interested in trying the mircle juice, check out my very own website and contact me regarding it! I’ll set you up! Seriously, even if you are healthy; XanGo can help you stay that way! You’ve got nothing to lose, so try it 😉

Anyways, I have added the link to my website in my blogroll. It’s under “My XanGo”. So go there now!

In completely different news, today I will be visiting my family doctor at the walk in clinic and hopefully I will be getting an x-ray of my back. My back aches have not gone away or improved in the slightest. They seem to have gotten worse. Last night it took me forever to get to sleep because my back was aching no matter which way I was lying down. I suppose I have working so hard to thank for that, but there isn’t much I can do. It is only my first week at my job and they seem pretty happy with me. Each night I have been thanked by the shift head and told I’m doing a great job.

Anyways, So I shall see a doctor, finally, and hopefully sort this mess out. I’ll keep everyone updated on the results of the doctor’s visit and x-ray.

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The Best Way to Solve a Problem

October 24, 2007 at 3:43 pm (blogging, myself & I, rambling, real life, reflecting, working, worries/concerns)

Yesterday I did mention my concerns to the house manager, and she told me that we weren’t even supposed to be picking up residents to move them. Apparently, the guy who was training me does it because its the easy way out. If they are being stubborn, you are to leave them and come back to them. Or convince them it’s the funnest thing ever, whatever works.

She assured me that she does not want me to lift someone, and even if I can’t help assist all I have to do is tell somebody. She apologized for the impression the guy training me gave, and reminded me to not pick people up and if I have to help assist, lift with my legs and not my back. So talking it out helped; I now have a better idea of what is expected of me.
Which brings me to something else that is complicated; my knees. They are weak from all the surgeries and current bone growths surrounding them. But I suppose it’s better to strain your knees then your back, as I have done both before and the back is certainly more painful.

My second day of work was much better than my first. I had a different person training me, and she showed me a lot of important things – like how to turn on the damn dryer – that the first guy forgot about. I was also 90% more comfortable with the residents. This is pretty impressive, considering it was only my second day. It took be a lot more time to get comfortable with everybody at the recreational group, but I suppose it was because I was a lot shyer. Now, not so much. I get the impression that most of them like me, or at least don’t mind me. One of them I haven’t gotten through to yet, but I’ll work on him.

I can stand my own ground now, and nobody has to rush to my rescue to help me.

I took great joy out of getting everything and more accomplished. The person working 3rd position is supposed to complete one student job a day, and we completed the one for Tuesday in no more then in 10 minutes. Plus I sort of did today’s job since I knew I would end up doing it and it was pretty nasty (today’s job is cleaning the staff bathroom – yuck!).

After work today, Neil and I stopped off at the drug store so I could grab a tube of Abreva, it seems to be working. I also bought my all time favourite chocolates; milk chocolate Lindor by Lindt. Yum! Nothing better then chocolate for breakfast!

Tomorrow is my day off. My police record check is in and I think I should also go to the hospital and get an x-ray of my back, just to be sure I know exactly what is going on. I am hoping the family doctor is able to handle this, as I really don’t want to travel all the way to Toronto to get an x-ray. Plus I don’t think I have a ride.

Oh, and today my Barns and Noble order finally came in. After reading about a book written by Donna Williams, a woman with Autism, in my Introduction to Psychology textbook, I decided to beg my parents for money to order it online. Somebody, Somewhere finally arrived today and I’m excited to read it. I will post a review when I’m finished, and according to an email I received from Tiffany, my copy of Sick Girl Speaks is also on it’s way. Thanks Tiffany! I’m excited to get it! And do not worry, word of mouth will get out! I never shut up about amazing books 😉

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Lipstick won’t cover THIS mess up

October 23, 2007 at 3:22 pm (blogging, myself & I, opinions, pictures & videos, rambling, real life, story telling, surgeries, worries/concerns)

Directly after one of my surgeries, the breathing tube they were removing from my throat slipped and cut the right side of my lower lip. It became infected and remained so for several weeks. Before this, I never got cold sores, but then I started to. Every time I was getting a cold or virus, I would get a cold sore. Probably because there was more bacteria in my mouth, and thanks to the after surgery lip infection, that area of my lip is more prone to getting cold sores. I always get them in the same spot too.

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I think that during the impact of having two people jump on my head and back, I must have bit down on my lip. Now it is infected and looks like a cold sore, but I can’t be too sure if it is. I might have just bitten down on it and caused the skin to break, therefore causing another infection.

Now my lip is very sore. I ran out of that Abreva stuff and really need to pick some up. Usually it helps with my lip issues, be it a cold sore or an infection. That’s what I used after that surgery when my lip got infected, and it helped.

Alas, I am wondering how I could possibly get an infection while in a clean hospital, but I suppose I should not question it. This is my life, this is what happens to me.

If my back pain doesn’t go away by Thursday, I promise I will go see a doctor about it. Unless it will prevent me from going to the Halloween Dance at the recreational group. Then I’ll put it off again, I really want to go!!! I won’t be dancing of course, but I already have my costume and I’m pumped to go!

I’m about to get ready for work again. I still haven’t decided on what I’m going to do. If the house manager is there, I will talk to her about things. I really don’t want to give up, but what assistance can I be? However, giving up is bad because then it will prove to everyone who didn’t believe I could do it that they were right. Who wants to prove someone right for not believing in you? Ok, so I suppose they just know me and my limits better, because they are the ones that watch me crash and burn, so it really isn’t fair to say they don’t believe in me. Sigh. This is my career though…

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First Day

October 23, 2007 at 3:22 am (blogging, myself & I, rambling, real life)

So I had my first shift today at the group home. I think I might be in way over my head.

This job is a lot more physical than I thought it would be. When the clients don’t want to do something, they really don’t want to do something. It is my job to prevent clients from being violent when they are getting their medications.

Needless to say, I ache a lot. I was aching before I went to work, and it definitely did not help my situation. I don’t even know if I like the job, it’s so difficult! Normally, I’m not a very strong person – at all. I can’t even open a bottle of pop on my own without someone to help me. I just don’t have that sort of nerve and muscle control. Tonight I was shadowing another 3rd staff, and he did most of the work but I still found myself struggling and straining. Maybe I just felt as if I had to do all the physical stuff because he was; maybe he just does it because he’s strong and a guy. I’m really not strong, and all of the clients are bigger then me.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. This is what I dedicated my life to doing, and I can’t physically do it. It’s been one day and I can barely take it. I don’t know if this is just because of what happened to my back the other day, or if I actually can’t do it. I ache, I can’t sleep because I ache, and I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I signed a contract saying I was fit to work. It doesn’t say how long though, or anything like that. But I doubted myself when I signed it. I thought to myself; well, I’m never completely fit to work, am I? and almost did not sign it. But I really wanted the job, so I did end up signing it.

During my interview with the house manager, I held back a lot of medical information about myself. I did tell her about my MHE, and that I’m not very strong because of it. I also told her it effects my mobility. She still hired me.

What did I get myself into? Am I going to be able to do this job? What if I’m not? Then what? I can’t really quit. It’s only been a day! I hate quitting at anything!

When I spoke to my dad on the phone, he suggested that I should quit. He told me I could end up hurting myself really bad if I continued to force my body to do this sort of thing. I could end up paralyzed (or so he says, this might just be a daddy thing – he could just be telling me that because he is worried and just wants me to be safe) or seriously hurt.

But maybe I will force myself to hold up for 6 months. I have decided that I am definitely going back to that recreational group for the summer. The pay is way better and the work is a lot more fun. I get to plan events and make people happy. I avoid doing all the physical work because they understand my situation. There is less of a chance of me hurting myself (save for getting tackled by the members and cracking a disc in my spine that is).

I don’t know. It’s an internal debate: quit and not hurt myself more, or work and hurt myself more.

Why do life decisions always have to be so difficult?

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Just My Luck

October 21, 2007 at 5:27 pm (blogging, myself & I, real life, worries/concerns)

This weekend is my last one off for quite some time, for this reason I decided to go on the weekend camping trip with that recreational group for developmentally challenged youth and adults. The recreational group does several camping trips during the fall. I usually attend all of them, but now that I’m living up North, going to college, and working a new job (or will be) I won’t be able to go to all of them.

So this weekend was dedicated to going camping with the recreational group. I got to the cabin late on Friday night with a fellow volunteer who offered to pick me up on her way down to camp. I had an awesome time hanging out with the members and catching up with everybody. Heck I had such an amazing time I left with a spinal injury! What fun!

This sort of thing only seems to happen to me, so I’m quite used to it. It happened around 5pm on Saturday. One of the other volunteers and I were goofing off and rough housing downstairs in the basement. We were hanging with a bunch of people and we were all having a blast laughing and joking around. Two of the male members decided to join in on the rough housing and shoved us. The girl and I slide down the wall and to the ground. Then they jumped on us. Unfortunately for me, most of their weight came down on my head and back. I instantly felt two pops and extreme pain and sort of fell to my right. Then I couldn’t get up.

I was lying on the cold floor for several minutes. I don’t think everyone else realized how serious it was at first, as they were laughing. Then the other volunteers started to clue in. I was crying because it hurt a lot, and I was also yelling at the two guys who jumped on me. I feel bad for it, but I was told to not feel guilty. Greg, my old boss and the Program Director, came down and after a quick inspection after I told him what happened he said that I had probably cracked a disc in my spine, as it was swollen and it hurt a lot.

I called my boyfriend (since my dad was still on vacation and my mom was out with her friends and I didn’t want to bother her) and he came to pick me up. He tried to pressure me into going to the hospital but I didn’t want to. He had to work at 9 and I knew he wouldn’t be able to stay with me. Still though, he wouldn’t let me go home to an empty house. He forced me to stay at his house, and I found it endearing that his parents took care of me. His dad found some pain killers that helped get me to sleep and his mom kept checking on me.

I still am having back pain, but since I’m able to move I don’t want to go to the hospital. I know I probably should have, but it’s probably nothing. Not to mention, getting a hold of my specialist would take a long time. They can’t really do anything for a cracked disc anyway. I would imagine that they would just drug me up and tell me to take it easy and not tackle anybody.

The really sucky part is that I start work tomorrow. It’s my first day. Not only was I really nervous about starting a new job with new people, but now I get to be really nervous about starting a new job with new people and doing a horrible job because my back will hurt so much.

Sigh. This sort of thing is just my luck.

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So True

October 20, 2007 at 12:23 am (blogging, family, for a cause, helpful tips, myself & I, opinions, pictures & videos, rambling, real life, story telling, worries/concerns)

There is a lot of controversy about this video. People are in an outrage because it’s too graphic for the age group it is directed at, which is girls ages 10-12, otherwise known as “tweens”.

The fact of the matter is that kids are acting way to old. Have you seen the stuff in La Senza Girl? Raunchy little shirts that say “caught you looking”, now why on earth would a little girl feel the need to wear something like that? Why are they making clothes like that for young girls? What are we telling them?

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My self image isn’t perfect. I am guilty of looking at fashion magazines and critically comparing myself to the girls in them – even though I fully know the photos are airbrushed. Still though, I’ll read those magazines and long to be just like them. Gorgeous, scar free, extra bone free, and thin. Glowing. Gorgeous. Healthy. Perfect. I think my situation was a little harder then most because I wasn’t just average looking, I had a medical disability that made me look different. I have crocked legs and lots of scars. I definitely did not resemble any of those girls in the magazine. Seeing what beauty “should” look like and comparing myself to it only made me even more self conscious and insecure, further away from my goal of becoming confident and strong. For a while, I thought that in order to be confident and strong, you had to look the way the media said was pretty.

Thoughts like these are what causes eating disorders and the need for plastic surgeries. Thoughts like the ones I commonly have can destroy self conscious and make you want to be anybody but yourself. Thoughts like these are damaging. At least I didn’t start thinking that way until my middle teens. But tweens are thinking this way! 10 year old girls who should still be playing with Barbie dolls and having a carefree childhood! Instead, they listen to very sexual music that touches topics even more horrible then that Dove video did. They are acting much older then they should be, they are dressing raunchy and wearing makeup. They are being skanky.

All because it’s encouraged by the media. All because it is what’s available in the stores. All because it supposedly looks great to show off your body to everyone, that’s what the models in those fashion magazines do, isn’t it?

Maybe if the media were to stop telling the world their definition of “true beauty”, girls and women wouldn’t have to have this negative self image. It’s the 21st century, why hasn’t this changed? It’s only gotten worse.

I personally love this video. Yes, I know that Dove is just trying to sell their products in the end, but still. It’s an amazing video. I suggest you talk to your daughters about this; show them the video, and break it down for them. Let them know that they are gorgeous the way they are. Let them know that the fashion industry knows nothing about true beauty. Encourage them to dress tastefully.

I realize that all that I have said is a lot harder to do then I make it seem; after all, I’m not a mother. But I am a daughter. My parent’s have always told me that I’m beautiful the way I am, but they didn’t really break it down as much as it’s needed now in the present today. When I was younger, 10 year old girls weren’t dressing as raunchy and they weren’t anorexic. They were happy. They listened to boy bands and played Barbie dolls.

So please, talk to your daughters. Lets try to silence the media and its warped opinion of what beautiful is.

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Week Without Violence

October 18, 2007 at 12:24 am (blogging, for a cause, opinions, real life)

week without violence

For those of you who weren’t aware, we are right in the middle of The YMCA Week Without Violence. This week is dedicated to preventing violence.

Violence comes in all shapes in sizes, to name a few there are physical violence, emotional violence, and self violence. Obviously, Week Without Violence is dedicated more so to the physical aspect of violence, but I have been considering all types.

I told myself that this week, I would avoid getting mad and yelling at anybody. I told myself that I would not think negatively about myself, because I commonly do that. It is a lot harder then it looks to not get mad at superficial things. If something bugs you, it bugs you. You tend to get mad. Luckily, I’ve never gotten physically violent when I’m mad. I tend to clam up and not talk about what’s really bugging me. I always seem to loose my words!

Tomorrow I am attending a lecture that is all about preventing violence. No quiz, no pressure, just attending a lecture on healthy ways of dealing with anger. I think everyone would benefit from attending a lecture such as this one. I don’t mean to speak for the world, but I know that when I’m really mad about something, I tend to snap at people. That isn’t acceptable. I strongly support this cause because there are a lot of people out there who deal with their anger in really bad ways, and making this known is one step to stopping it. If everybody learned healthier ways, then there wouldn’t be as much abuse. I know this may not be completely true; these are simply my thoughts on the matter.

I have a question for all of you guys out there; what do you do when you get mad about something? How do you act? How to you treat others around you?

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Living On My Own

October 17, 2007 at 3:42 am (blogging, family, myself & I, rambling, real life, reflecting, story telling)

I have yet to really post about my life of freedom slavery over school work and the excitement that is my first apartment. A year ago today, I would have never pictured myself to be here. I thought I wasn’t going to graduate high school, and I had all but given up hope on graduating with my friends. It was depressing really, who wants to have to stay an extra year and not get to graduate with their friends? I certainly didn’t, which is why when I heard that you could earn up to 6 credits with full day co-op, I jumped right on that band wagon.

Normally, you earn 8 credits per year. I was short 2 due to dropping classes that I was too far behind in thanks to my double surgery year, and when I entered grade 12 it didn’t look like I was going to earn enough credits to graduate. But upon learning that, I worked my little bum off at co-op and managed to put in 660 hours of co-op. I think I had a total of two sick days. Two! It was shear will and determination that kept me going. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel; the possibility of graduating with my friends was too sweet to resist. I told myself I would catch up on sleep later. I loved the 9-5 aspect, the routine of going in and seeing all the smiling faces of the day program members, and getting to be a part of the greater picture of the recreational group. I applied late for one single college program, and for the solid week after I applied I worried about not getting accepted. Normally, you apply for a lot of different schools and programs that are similar to what you are interested in, but the college I am at now was the only one with openings. So I waited and hoped that my hard work wasn’t going to be for nothing.

It wasn’t, and I got accepted into the Social Service Worker program. My dad was happy that I got accepted, but sad that the college was further away from home then the community college my sister goes to. To warm him up to the idea, I bought him a shirt that said “My Kid And My Money Go To ——- College”, it was my way of telling him that this was what I wanted.

Then came the painful decision of moving out. Since I do not have a license, making the 45 minute drive every day was definitely not going to happen – at least not legally anyway. My parents both work full time, so neither of them were able to drive me nor were they able to switch their schedules around. Luckily, through the housings officer I found an apartment. Rent is pretty good, all utilities included. I even have access to their wireless internet! The couple is very nice and has the same sort of rules that my parents have (no over night guests, no partying, etc). The house is a minute walk to the bus stop that takes me directly to the college.

I am definitely enjoying living on my own (although some times I awaken to the day care kids being loud and tend to get a bit cranky over it). My roommate, Stephanie, and I get along great. We used to go to public school together, but she moved before middle school and I haven’t really seen her since. Luckily, we are past the “re-getting to know” each other phase and are definitely more comfortable with each other.

Still though, I find myself missing my parents and sisters. I miss the free meals that always taste so amazing and the inside jokes and laughter my sisters and I share – when we aren’t fighting.

However, I feel as if I have developed stronger relationships with my parents and sisters now that I’ve moved out. I talk to my mom about everything and anything now, same with my sisters. We’re actually civil to each other! This is shocking, trust me, when I lived at home we fought like cats and dogs!

So I am glad that I moved out; not only am I learning how to be more independent and self efficient, but I am also developing stronger relationships with my family. I still miss them like crazy though.

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