Little Miss Self Destruct

September 27, 2007 at 3:38 pm (myself & I, opinions, rambling, real life, reflecting)

Today is Thursday, September 27th. Today I have challenged myself to take part of the “Blog Against Abuse” campaign. My cousin, Karen Rani, touched the very subject I have been arguing with myself about for quite some time; self loathing. In today’s post, I am going to try not to be modest. I’m going to state the facts straight up. All I can do is hope that this won’t detour anybody from reading my blog, or their opinions of me.

Stop the Abuse

The fact of the matter is that I am my own worst enemy. There is always a tiny voice inside my head screaming insults and putting me down – and that tiny voice is myself. My own fears and doubts coming to surface in the form of negative, insulting thoughts. I find myself constantly making comments or “jokes” about my own stupidity, and putting myself down in anyway possible. I’ve been called on this many times by family, friends, and even my boyfriend – but my attempts at changing how I treat myself are weak. I still make those comments. I still put down myself.

So far, I haven’t done anything too destructive. Instead, this voice pushes me forward to prove it wrong. I know this isn’t entirely healthy, but it is a start. It is as if there are two conflicting voices in my head; one that is putting me down and one that pushes me forward.

The sad, confusing thing is that I don’t even know why I am like this. All things considered, I have had an easy life. Sure, I have the added “bonus” of a chronic pain disorder and I have been there too many surgeries to count, but I had a wonderful childhood and an amazing family. I have never been physically or sexually abused, so I really don’t understand why I am such a self destructing person.

I want more then anything to be able to be confident and not hear that destructive voice, but I have a lot of trouble blocking it. I can manage to block it somewhat if I am in a really good mood and things are going my way, but the second something somewhat unpleasant happens, I suddenly become unable to block out that voice.

My generation is one that feeds off of problems. The more you have, the more popular you become. I have never used any “problems” I may have to gain more attention, in fact I hide them from everyone I know because I fear that by finding out, they will think I am crazy. Although I do have that self-loathing voice inside my head, I don’t fit the bill of every “self-loathing teenager” (for the record, I don’t agree with this “article” as it is a generalization) as I don’t listen to “emo” music, nor do I dress in that popular “fashion”.

I’m still young, so I know this could just be a phase, but I would like for it to stop. I’m worried that I may be suffering from depression, although I don’t know how one decides that. Maybe I’m just bad at dealing with bad things. I do have bad days, but I also have good days.

And I will keep moving forward, I’m just concerned that this negative voice will impact me in the future more then it is now. I believe that, although this voice is destructive, it has helped me grow and gives me more understanding of people who actually suffer from depression or any other mental illness. I know how damaging one little voice can be – one that I hear very rarely unless I am going through a difficult period.


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